Found these on Jokersrevenge.com.....

Actual signs seen in England


Notice at Northampton Racecourse NO HORSES


Sign in a Laundromat:AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE
REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.


Sign in a London department store:BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.


In an office:WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER
YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACKOR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.


In an office:AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND
STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.


On a church door:THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS
DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT.
PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)


Outside a second-hand shop:WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES,
WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A
WONDERFUL BARGAIN?


Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince
of Wales:THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN
CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.


Outside a photographer's studio:OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE,
OUT FOR DINNER ALSO.


Seen at the side of a Sussex road:SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO
OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.


Outside a disco:SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN.
EVERYONE WELCOME.


Sign warning of quicksand:QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS
POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.


Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:DUE TO INCREASING
PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE
WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP
THEM IN ORDER.


Notice in a dry cleaner's window:ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS
HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.


Sign on motorway garage:PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL
PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.


Notice in health food shop window:CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.


Spotted in a safari park:ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.


Seen during a conference:FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND
DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.


Notice in a field:THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD
FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.


Message on a leaflet:IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL
YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.


Sign on a repair shop door:WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK
HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

A bit slow, but a couple of good ones like ...

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.