Some oldies, but goodies here...enjoy


Florida

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!”

and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette.

He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”

The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper.

I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.
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Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help.

If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthing but my earrings.”
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Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .”

When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ‘cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”
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Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”

Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got his license number."
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North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back.

He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”

The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”

The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back.

I never did understand it neither.”
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Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”

The driver replied, “Bout whut?”
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Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?

Don’t you see that sign right over your head.”

“Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”
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Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘bout the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North.

Thanks Vince, I needed that.

Whew...Had me worried there for a moment. Thought he might have one for Missouri too.

Well Bushy, we don't want you or Misory to feel ignored. So here goes, none are mine and the only time I've ever spent there was the 2 hours it took to drive through so I really know nothing about Misory, just don't want you to feel slighted.

Q. What's the difference between a University of Central Missouri sorority sister and a scarecrow?

A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.

Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Missouri?

A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Q: Why do Central Missouri grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?

A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Central Missouri campus?

A: A visitor.

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Central Missouri library?

A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q: What does the average University of Central Missouri student get on his SAT?

A: Drool.

Q: How many University of Central Missouri freshman does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it's a sophomore course.

Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Missouri?

A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.

Q: Whats the difference between the Missouri Tigers and cheerios?

A: One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!

Q: Why do Missouri students have TGIF on their shoes?

A: Toes Go In First!

Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the University of Central Missouri campus?

A. An undergraduate degree.

Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned at the University of Central Missouri?

A: They cause too much brain damage!

Q: What's the difference between an Missouri Tiger fan and a carp?

A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Missouri?

A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.

Q. How did the Mizzou die from drinking milk?

A. The cow fell on him!

Q: What is the definition of a Missouri virgin?

A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers..

Q: What do they call students who go to Missouri?

A: Rejects from Alabama!

Q. How do they separate the men from the boys in Missouri?

A. With a restraining order.

Q. What's the first thing a Mizzou girl does when she wakes up in the morning?

A. Walks home.

Q: Why don't girls play hide and seek in Missouri?

A: No one would look for them.

A country bumpkin family from Missouri decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Maw, Paw and their son. They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the elevator. Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered. While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes. The Missouri redneck family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again. The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful! Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove yer Maw in there!"

Falling in Love A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was an Iowa Hawkeyes fan and he was a Iowa State Cyclones fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Hawkeye fan. He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, "Yes, it's a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be an Iowa Hawkeyes fan." The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. "Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?" The man sat up, looked around, and said "GO MIZZOU!"

I just had to make a stupid statement. Didn't I...

Except...I'm from Oregon. I've only been in Missouri sense 2006. Still have my webs between my toes.

Oh, I was not aware of that so here's some to help you feel more at home.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you live in Oregon.

If you’ve worn shorts, sandals and a parka at the same time, you live in Oregon.

If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number, you live in Oregon.

If you measure distance in hours, you live in Oregon.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Oregon.

If you have switched from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ and back again in the same day, you live in Oregon.

If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both doors unlocked, you live in Oregon.

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Central, Southern or Eastern Oregon.

If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a 2 layers of clothes or under a raincoat, you live in Oregon.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow and ice, you live in Oregon.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you live in Oregon.

If you feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash, you live in Oregon.

If you know more than 10 ways to order coffee, you live in Oregon.

If you know more people who own boats than air conditioners, you live in Oregon.

If you stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the “Walk” signal, you live in Oregon.

If you consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a real mountain, you live in Oregon.

If you can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle’s Best, and Dutch Bros, you live in Oregon.

If you know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon, you live in Oregon.

If you know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Clatskanie, Issaquah, Oregon, Umpqua, Yakima and Willamette, you live in Oregon.

If you consider swimming an indoor sport, you live in Oregon.

If you know that Boring is a city and not just a feeling, you live in Oregon.

If you can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food, you live in Oregon.

If you never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho, you live in Oregon.

If you have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain, you live in Oregon.

If you think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists, you live in Oregon.

If you buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time, you live in Oregon.

If you actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your OREGON friends, you live or have lived in Oregon.

You forgot "Blackmouth, Humpies and Silvers"...

Sorry about that. but all I know about Oregon comes from a fishing trip around the mid 60's. Rouge River near a town called Agness. Great trip lots of salmon and steel head. There living in a tent never met anybody and never went to town, fished, fished and fished some more, let the older guys go into town to get Oregonized.

Did you take the Mail Boat to Agness? Rouge River...Just plain beautiful. Back then, some of the finest fishing in the world. Trout, Salmon runs, summer and winter Steelhead.

Well whatdouknow Bushies got a sense of humour.
Watch that nerve

Yup...And be careful. Ya might just be standin' on it.

I gotta look up these Steelhead fish...keep hearin' the name, but have no idea what in blue blazes they be.

Ah...Rainbow Trout...why do they call them Steelheads...why not just, well, trout.

Rainbow trout and steelhead are the basiclly the same except the steelhead like the salmon goes to sea for a few years and then returns to fresh to spawn. But unlike the salmon steelhead don't die after spawning. I think a big rainbow might be 8 to 10 pounds, biggest I ever caught was a little over 6, but a steelhead gets much bigger, some say up to 50 pounds, my best was around 30.

WOW a 30lb trout is nothing to sneeze at Lester. Any good for eating at that size, or are they dry and tough?

Well, I suppose that it has a lot to do with both the the type of fish and maybe more importantly the skill of the chef.

In my experience steel head much like salmon are delicious and not tough or dry when prepared correctly, some fish are great deep fried, but I personally would never do that to a trout, steel head, or salmon. But, to each their own.

When in Michigan, and this is interesting, there are steel head that don't go to sea, but to the big lakes and they get as big as those who do go to sea. We caught hundreds in Michigan, my all time favorite is smoked slowly with apple wood. IMHO all members of the trout/salmon family are very sensitive to overcooking and will be tough and dry. One of the things I miss most about Michigan is the trout, steel head, and salmon fishing and especially the eating.

Now, since I don't wanna be scorned for hijacking this thread here's a cute one:

An old Scotsman fulfills a lifelong ambition by fishing the Junction Pool on the Tweed one autumn morning.

His fishing is interrupted by a Funeral procession heading into the town over the Kelso Bridge. The old Scot reels in his fly, takes off his hat, and bows his head until the entire convoy has disappeared over the bridge and out of sight

As he is about to re-cast, the astonished ghillie says "In all my years as a ghillie on this beat, I have shared a boat with some of the most illustrious men in Scotland, but that sir, without a doubt, is the most respectful and humbling moment of them all. Well done to you"

"Aye" replies the elderly Scot, before shooting out the line.....

"Ah were married to her the day wi left school"

And Bushy, never went on anything called a mail boat, we had four what I'll call pointed end flat bottom boats that were rented, bank fishing was very difficult as I recall, at least where we were but I did find a few places that were great.