I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Don

Ha ha ha ha. Sounds like something I would do.

Putt, putt, putt, putter, putt, putt, putty, putt...

And the song was???

classic... after a hot curry etc I always think of that cool Johny Cash classic "Burning Ring Of Fire"

Ultimate fart song here

Aah...For petey sake Big Blue...See what you've done?? Now we will waste page after page on this problem you have with loud music...

Sorry !!! Couldn't resist the urge !!!


Plain Jane. One-second duration, nice resonant reverberation, and pungent odor cloud with a nearly instantaneous 5-foot radius. Your standard, everyday, friendly fart.

Beefy One. Sounds loud and butch, e.g., 'BRAAAMMPPP!' Smells like a cross between a decaying meadow muffin on a hot day and a fresh dog-turd.

Eggy. Smells very much like rotten eggs (or hydrogen sulfide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster (see below).

Bunbuster. 'BRAAAP!' Sounds something like a Beefy One, except much more sudden and much more powerful. May smell either eggy or beefy. Leaves your asshole smarting. You really feel these babies.

Ripper. Sends seismic ripples to the next town. Rips the seams in the crotch of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby may experience hearing loss.
Kliban cartoon of powerful fart

Diesel. Sputters to a start, but then keeps putt-putting along spewing out an endless cloud of dirty, noxious fumes.
Surprise! You didn't even know that it was there, but suddenly . . . 'BRRMP!' Yellow surprise

Gunshot. Sounds just like a gunshot. Unbelievably loud indoors. Hard to believe that this emanates from between your buttocks. Bullet explodes into billions of virulent odor molecules. Gunshot farts are relatively rare but, like guns, very dangerous.
You can't make an omlette without breaking wind, a B. Kliban cartoon

Squeaky. Puny and unsatisfying. Sounds a bit like a muffled 'Wheeeek,' but smells foul.

Worrier. The kind that seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage, matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the first possible opportunity.

ToiletPoopie Prelude. It feels like it's going to be a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny little squeaker fart plus the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.

Present. The type of fart that seems harmless, but then brings a small poop as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet and give thanks you weren't in a business meeting or job interview when it happened. If you were, you're screwed.

Burble. Bubbly! Sometimes messy too.

SBD (Silent But Deadly). Totally inaudible but somehow causes all the occupants in a room to collapse. Smell is undefined because nasal investigators haven't had time to analyze the odor before passing out. (This one is also known as SBL: Silent But Lethal and Toxic Assassin.)
Dangerous Gases sign!

GNL (Gambled 'n' Lost). You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay where you are, but tragically come to realize that this is much more than a fart... Next big gamble: do you put your underpants in the laundry basket and hope your wife won't notice, do you wash 'em out yourself, or do you throw 'em away?

Hydrated. The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. Try to avoid this one if you're wearing white trousers.

Not Now Please! You feel the presence of a mighty fart but are unable to release it due to your situation (first date, new customer, important business meeting, etc.). You clench your buttocks together so hard you nearly have a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends upon a number of factors, but in the end you're probably going to have to face the music (literally). Or you can try the stealth approach (see below).

Who, Me? You let it out as silently as possible and nobody hears it. You discreetly take deep sniffs and smell nothing. You think you got away with it. But 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everybody starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.

Waker-Upper. The first fart of the morning. All that broccoli, beans, and beer you had for dinner last night has decayed and fermented into about 1,000 ml of noxious gas just dying to escape from your rectum. Whether you let go under the covers when you first wake up or hold it until you're taking your early morning pee, releasing that first fart of the day feels oh, so good and sets the tone for the whole day.
Fireball

Electrical. Sound like they have some juice in them.

Dutch Oven. A fart you make in bed -- any kind at all -- followed up by holding your partner's head under the bedclothes so that he/she can get the full effect of it. Good for moving a stalled divorce process along. Very bad early in your marriage.

Bushmaster wrote:

Aah...For petey sake Big Blue...See what you've done?? Now we will waste page after page on this problem you have with loud music...

It took a while, but it finally flushed everyone out. Hopefully we don't waste too much hot air on this and quickly put it behind us.
Don

Bushmaster wrote:

And the song was???

Yankee Doodle!

Think I'll go out and get somemore wood for the fire. Vince, will you refill the cooler? Looks like this is going to be a long one...

There sure is a bad aroma in this thread, what have you guys been up to ............... oh never mind. See ya I'm leaving, sure not sticking around this thread.

Plenty of beer on board Bushy...threw in a pack of clothes pegs on the off chance that it all becomes too much.

Oh, and while we're on the subject...
Ya know why farts stink? there's two reasons actually...
For the benefit of those that didn't hear it, and...
So deaf people can enjoy them as well.

Cheers, Vince

Vince wrote:

Oh, and while we're on the subject... Ya know why farts stink? there's two reasons actually... For the benefit of those that didn't hear it, and... So deaf people can enjoy them as well. Cheers, Vince

Glad I'm not the only one perpetuating this stinkin' post.
Don

Best way to operate the DUTCH OVEN is to spit at the ceiling
The other half will dive under the bedclothes and you glamp em down
TG

Vince wrote:

Ya know why farts stink? there's two reasons actually... For the benefit of those that didn't hear it, and... So deaf people can enjoy them as well. Cheers, Vince

Vince, you are always bringing a chuckle to my day! Thanks mate!