Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.


When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog
run to the end of his chain and gag himself.


A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.


The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.


The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.


Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."


If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.


If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.


The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.


There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt.


Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together
it spells "Theirs."

yeah my dad sends me lists of this stuff for humor