The Tactical Guy

As I was leaving my house, I stuffed my Glock 10mm "man gun" Mexican style in my pants. My backup is a fully customized 1911 with all the IPSC add-on options in my $500.00 leather pancake holster custom made by Belgian Monks who have devoted their lives to silence and holster making. These are the ones used by SEAL Team 6, which I used to be a part of, but all records of my activities were destroyed in a fire "accident".

I put on my Royal Robbins photographer vest to match my pants while wearing a T-shirt underneath reading "From My Cold Dead Hands". That way, nobody can see what I'm packing.

I had my Centennial .38 Special in my ankle holster, just like the gun rag
guys carry. Lastly, I had my "Covert Sniper" I.D. Card in my wallet with my "Concealed Weapons Permit Badge". I was ready for anything.

I drove my Bug Out Truck to the 7-11 for some beer, 'cause you never know. It is a performance styled Subaru BRAT with 4 cylinders of ground pounding fury.

I pulled up to the 7-11 store and noticed a nefarious looking Girl Scout
eyeballing me from the back of her mothers' SUV. A likely cover.

The mother returned to the truck and went for the keys in her purse, but I
knew from my years of combat honed instincts that she was actually making a furtive movement for an offensive weapon.

I attempted a tactical shoulder roll, but fell flat on my face, kind of
flopping on the pavement to avoid any incoming rounds and to make it look
like I meant to do that. The store owner called 911, which is good because I
then did a roll and attempted to draw my Glock.

Unfortunately, since I did not have a holster, the gun "went off", and the
bullet creased my wiener. But I was prepared for that and bit down on a
9mm casing to take my mind off the pain as I dove for the garbage barrel.
That's when I noticed the Girl Scout shouting something to her mother who
began to take cover. I knew they were closing on me so I drew my custom
trusty 1911 Wilson Combat...I knew that they would be impressed with that.
I then duck walked to the front of her SUV, but my gut kinda got in the way
and I fell on my butt, which caused me to swallow my 9mm casing.

I then tried to roll to my right, but didn't want to scuff my holster, so I
just threw myself into the telephone pole, but I landed on my right side
anyway. So I fired one shot towards the woman's SUV to pin them down as I recovered my wind.

And before the mother knew what was happening, I charged her and I threw my groin into her knee. I knew that as I vomited on the ground in front of her that I had interupted her OODA loop. I had the advantage now. As she ran screaming for the Girl Scout, (I knew she was going for backup) I made for my Super Charged BRAT Tactical truck. I jumped into the drivers seat forgetting that I had left my rare Israeli contract AR 15 Bayonet on the seat, honed to a razor's edge. I could handle it though. Half of my butt is an implant from war wounds.

As I attempted to start my truck, police and paramedics arrived on the
scene. My truck would not start and instead backfired once and caused the
police to Tase me. At which point I tactically soiled myself while in
convulsions. My custom 1911 then fell out the window, but I still had my
Centennial .38. I knew that I had to take out the woman with the purse.

So I aimed my revolver at her at which point the first police officer fired
once striking me in the chest. Fortunately, I was wearing my level 3A body
armor. I didn't want to hurt the cops--they had obviously been duped by the
evil temptress who was now embracing her partner in crime and crying to the police in the background. I knew it was a ruse.

I pulled out my concealed weapons permit badge and showed it to the officer who shot me and yelled out, "I'm one of you guys!" He continued to cover me and ordered me to drop my .38 so I laid it down. I still had my bayonet after all, attached to my butt. The cop walked toward me and upon reading the badge, maced me right in the eyes. Fortunately, my Oakley shooting glasses stopped most of the spray and I was able to rip free of the Taser cords easily. It only cost me one nipple, easily replaced. I dove for the passenger side of my truck and began to run zig-zag for a ditch.
Unfortunately, the bayonet sticking out of my butt slowed me down. I knew it would have to be hand-to-hand now. I knew the cop coudn't take me when I saw he merely carried a Glock 17, not a man's gun. So I immediately threw my eye into his right hook, followed by a knee into his Mag light. As I lay thrashing on the ground, I took the heel of my Bates Enforcer boot and kicked at the cops ankle. I knew from my classified experiences in Tajikistan that once breaking the ankle, the cop would fall down and I could "stun kick" him in the head, knocking him out but not hurting him.

Apparently the cop had also been to Tajikistan because he side stepped me
and struck me in the back with his ASP baton, but my trauma plate absorbed it. I then drew my Benchmade auto knife and was promptly tased again, but I was ready for it this time and only wet myself a little bit.

Next thing those cops knew, I was unconscious. That'll teach 'em.

You had me laughing from the Subaru BRAT comment all the way to the end!

Dimitri

Hummm...When I was in The USSR of Cal I think I met this guy...Sounds familiar anyway...

Can anyone remember the difference between a war story and a fairy tale?

He forgot "GO AHEAD, Make my day"! Good one!

Daym.. thats one knotted yarn

Gelan

HA HA HA HA.....there I was...knee deep in grenade pins.....:lol:

Good one Shipster.

Cheers, Vince

I sure hope he had a good day after all that...............
Good one Shipster

Good story shipster, lucky for them you went easy on 'em.

...yep... it's a jungle out there.................

Ya I'm still recovering from the bayonet wound. I still hurts to sit.

Shipster, you were going to mention that this story was written in 2004 on The High Road by a guy called OrangeNinja, weren't you?

www.thehighroad.org/sh...p?t=117745

Andrew Rothman, welcome to the forums

Dimitri

Thanks Andrew,

I'm the origional author and I'm glad everyone enjoyed the story. It's meant for belly laughs.

Shipster, it's generally polite to credit the origional author when posting their material, but I'm guessing you didn't know it was me...no harm, no foul.

To anyone interested there are about 5 other stories of this nature on www.thehighroad.org. Just keyword search it.

orangeninja,

Welcome to the forums.

Dimitri

Funny stuff... thanks for sharing it