RULE ONE
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

RULE TWO
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

RULE THREE
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

RULE FOUR
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex and my daughter, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

RULE FIVE
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." You have already provided your Name, Date of Birth and SSN for a full background check at the driveway.

RULE SIX
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

RULE SEVEN
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

RULE EIGHT
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
-Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
-Places where there are no parents, policemen, or surveillance cameras within eyesight. Places where there is darkness.
-Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
-Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
-Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games and NASCAR are okay. Old folks homes are better.

RULE NINE
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, quick lime, a shovel, and a friend who owns an orchard. Do not mess with me.

RULE TEN
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rooftop in Baghdad. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. Watch for the trip wire.

Yup...Handed a copy to all my daughter's boyfriends and dates...Impressed them a lot...One of them started laughing when he read it...Heather told him that I was not joking. You could hear his lips slap shut from 50 yards away... Called the cops on one honker. Never say him again...

Since these rules are directed at my age group I'll be the first to say I cannot and will not agree to those rules when I date a girl.

( 1 ) Honking to pick up your daughter, ain't going to happen, I only got my learners permit and no car.
( 2 ) Sorry but my arm belongs around her upper back. Holding her side close to mine.
( 3 ) I wear pants that are my size, with a belt on at my waist, only way your going to see my underwear is if I'm doing plumbing in your home.
( 4 ) Again like number 1 a non issue.
( 5 ) Sorry but I'm a talker and will start talking guns, politics and women (other then your daughter) in that order.
( 6 ) Not a issue, I'm not the one that ends the relationship.
( 7 ) Instead of a oil change does going to your gun room and handling them sound acceptable ??
( 8 ) Where we go is your daughters choice not mine.
( 9 ) If you think you cannot trust me, why are you letting me date your daughter ??
( 10 ) There may be a reason to come inside after the date, like if I picked up a new rifle or new accessory for them during the date.

Dimitri

I agree. I always expected this from the fathers that I dated. I was shocked when I rarely ran into it.

Most I ever got by a girlfriend's father is a chit chat with her dad and that really wasn't anything to do with the daughter but turned out to be more "guy talk".

Alot less "boss" type fathers around in my experience too.

Dimitri

jbird22cal...Excuse me if I misunderstand, but...You dated fathers? Could you re-read your last post and elaberate. Please...

Guys never even made it to the "talk." Word got around that my father could lift but the back corner of our pick-up with full slide in camper on it to put a cinder block under it and there went dating in high school.

Tink,

Remind me not to piss off Fireball in that cause if I do ever venture into California.

Dimitri

Great,
My daughter went out by those rules.
She would let the date know prior as well,
They were always well behaved.

Sorry Dimitri,
You succumbed to Rule No. 9

My daughter's boyfriend is a good guy. When asked if he thought I'd kill him if he hurt her he answered "Yep!"

When I went to pick up my now wife, her dad was cleanin' guns an' sharpenin' his knives on the stoop. I sat down with him,proceeded to carry on a conversation and helped sharpen knives an' clean his guns. I was a hit with him. 33 years later, I still help him with those chores when we visit him....My wife says her first date with me was with her dad... We are best of friends still....Dave

Love it!!!!

I dont expect any fathers of my girlfriend to give me those rules because if i dirtied my familys reputation then id be as dead as a duck who came into the sights of my good old shotgun!
Also I agree with what Big-D has said, if the father doesnt trust me, why the heck am i going out with his daughter????
and i wear my pants like they are supposed to be worn otherwise my pop would take the strap to my behind!!!

Dan! Good read!

He doesn't trust you because he hasn't met you.
And if you are to gutless to front him then you aint taken her out.

my daughter has been dating the same lil weasle for over a year now, i call him a weasle cause he is just a little guy, nothing wrong with him, well i am still breaking him in.. took him to a youth day with us last year, first time he ever handled a firearm, now he wont let me alone!!

but of course the daughter put him in her place when she picked up a bushmaster and ran a clip through it hitting the black every time, then proceeded to the .45 and did it again.. the guy asked where she learned to shoot "my dad" hehehe

saturday she spent the day at the local army post R&Ring the M203 grenade launchers, and she didnt even bring me one home

elky...the only difference I'd have with those rules is in rule 3...please don't take this as an insult. Take it anyway you won't I don't give a rat's a**. I love rule 10, it applies to a lot more than dates.