This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.

Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the Inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as
a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I f illed the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
And left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the
Family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
Hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smel ls nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang
on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not
just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
Was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like
my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty
hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.< BR>
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran
across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!


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Good one!

Dimitri

Dimitri: Go to "Reloading Ammunition, scroll down to where it says "Dimitri, HEY DIMITRI!"

I wanna go to their house for next Christmas....it sounds like it would be a scream.

Thanks Snipes.

Cheers, Vince

Vince wrote:

I wanna go to their house for next Christmas....it sounds like it would be a scream. Thanks Snipes. Cheers, Vince

No thanks, I like a quieter Holiday Season.........
Thanks sniper

I hope I'm like Grandpa someday.....there's the guy with the right idea

Your Granny sounds a lot like mine.

Granny and the Tooter

Granny saw her last birthday
From the backside of eighty two
So ninety ain't so far away
Hence nothing works like new

Her mem'ry left her years ago
Her teeth weren't far behind
Might explain, though, you know
The stuff on which she dined

Soup an' goop an' smelly fare
Like lots of boiled up cabbage
While in the past 'slips' were rare
Since spring they'd gotten savage

Seems when Granny's hearing went
Her pucker string went with it
Though she thought silence heaven sent
To us the scent was sh*t

Now folks what were we to do
It's Thanksgiving after all
So sitting there without a clue
Sits Granny like a doll

Flowered dress an' rosey cheeks
Hair up in a bun
Then the fear we'd had for weeks
Granny up an' cut one

'Pheep' Whew, thank the Lord
It was just a little squeeker
The bliss brought Granny great reward
She couldn't look much meeker

With folded hands an' bowing head
And sweetly smiling face
'Pheeer... rit... rit... rit' her pooter said
As I was saying grace

Turkey plate to plate was passed
With mashed 'taters an' the rolls
When came a mighty gaseous blast
From Granny, bless 'er soul

'Fweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep' the tooter loudly rang
Upon that hardwood chair
To crack a window, up I sprang
The family needed air

With one hand Sissy pinched her nose
Kept eating with the other
When Granny let a good'un go
Dethroning Sissy's brother

The curtains took a caste of brown
The wall paint peeled in patches
As Granny fired another round
Of 'kraut an' kitchen matches

It sounded like the flapper
That baffeled Granny's gas
Had turned into a rapper
Unwrapped in Granny's a$$

'Pherrrrrr rit a pit a phitt to to
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rappa rappa rap'
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you
Ours turned out like crap!!!

Oh... BTW... poem is original... written by me... hence no credits.

That's a good one as well 4rum ..........

Love it mate....well written.

Hey guys...looks like we got us a gen-you-wine Poet amongst us. Too late to hide now 4rum.....you're caught mate.......gonna expect more "words of wisdom" from ya now.

Cheers, Vince

Morning 1895ss and Vince. Thanks for the kind words, glad you enjoyed the poem. Granny will be thrilled... sigh... she just loves attention.

4rum that was awesome