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What is Paradise?
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Super Member
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Joined: May 07, 2006
Posts: 6397
Location: Sydney Australia

PostPosted: Mon Oct 10, 2011 9:48 pm    Post subject: What is Paradise? Reply with quote

Everyone's Idea of Paradise.

Johnny Howard
Workers in factories get chained to treadmills while owners throw buckets of bread crusts over them. All workers are running around pimping, dobbing and squealing in exchange for toilet privileges and the like. There's mass ignorance and superstition everywhere. Only books allowed are the factory regulations. Police are running around kicking and spitting on people in the streets. The only humour allowed is a kind of boss wit at the floggings that goes something like, "Lay on with a will, or you'll take his place."
Former anarchists are running around mowing church ministers' lawns and accepting scones from ministers' wives, while talking about how we got it all wrong. At the end of the day we wash our hands to receive our shilling.

Dairy Farmers CO-OP
Milk is $7-20 per 250ml carton, or $14-60 flavoured. Running shoes are banned because they facilitate the stealing of milk money. School milk brought back and cheese platters on each school desk. Strict licensing and registration of cows and farmhands work for 80 cents an hour.

The Catholics
There are hearings like the Nuremberg trials where all former enemies are put on trial to have flesh removed with red hot pincers. Christian brothers are running around hitting people with straps at bus stops, and stocks are set up in public places where ignorant looking fat people with no teeth get to throw contents of chamber pots at them.
Full-on sodomy in orphanages where each Christian brother gets his own private room. The whole world is in mental straight jacket of ignorance and superstition. Secret chambers are set up under churches where local trials of gun owners, rednecks and those who laughed at Christian brothers for said bummings are put on trial.

The Protestants
All former smokers are given 500 years to life imprisonment. Anyone caught with a girlie magazine is given 50 to 200 years in the state correctional institute. Lots of incarcerations for kissing, eating refined sugar and not having a bible on front seat of your car.
Great sweaty queues line up at churches to get baptised. Shoplifters are given thirty years to life, as are single mothers who claim the general tax concession when they have a bloke living with them.
Your spare time is used up watching Garner Ted or listening to the latest findings of anti-smoking scientists. Those who miss church go to the state correctional institute, analgesics abusers go to the state correctional institute, dancing and cosmetics abusers go to the state correctional institute, those with an unregistered bottle of cough tonic go to state correctional institute, those who scratch backside on Sundays go to the state correctional institute.

Left wing trendies.
Federal gang busters get to knock on doors of bigots and order that they hand over their children. Everyone gets to dress in a grey uniform and a great, big, fat woman with half her teeth missing, tells people to keep in step. Government tribunals set up all over the place to try workers who don't shovel enough coal, former rednecks, gun owners, all those in splinter socialist movements - and, of course, Anglo Saxons.
Poisonous old women are let loose in tribunals to denounce other women, especially other women with pretty babies. Children are brought into the tribunals to denounce their parents, Gregory Peck types are running around prosecuting bigots in televised trials, and everyone in the country is denouncing everyone else for the great day when everyone gets their minds right.

Brown backside brigade.
Federally authorised little faggots get to knock on people's doors and take away children to the child protection institute, or if they feel like it, can abuse them on the spot. If children wish to complain they have the constitutional right to ask other child protection officers, to punish little faggot, by getting twenty little brown boys to hold him down, and commit outrages on him, just to see how he likes it.

Fred Nile Brigade
Loving husbands and fathers get to put on clean underpants on Sundays and take families on picnics. They get to tell wholesome jokes to the kids at said picnic ground and come home where wife cooks wholesome meal, and loving husbands and fathers get to read wholesome bible stories to wholesome families in a wholesome way about the wholesomeness of being wholesome.

The Sexual Abuse Police
Get to work as fanny checkers at high schools and report findings back to tribunal on a monthly basis. Also gets to follow girls into change rooms after sports and sniff panties to check whether they're clean. Also gets to carry own portable inspection equipment in a black bag.

Gets handed Australia by UN and they come in to torture nurses, chop people's heads off, and go to zoo to hit kangaroos over the head with sticks. Australians get to line up in Martin Place every day where we get lecture from Japanese officer that goes, "Our skin is just as white as yours ... see!" We also have to take collection up to pay for Japanese subs sunk in harbour and pay compensation to Japanese war widows.

Labour Party
Everyone has to wear white sarongs because we are part of Asia now. Pakistani's get to put hand up white women's dresses at bus stops, rednecks have been turned into fertiliser for peoples' collective farms, Catholic Irish bums running around holding people down as priests kick them in groin. Loud-mouthed, scatter-brained women with big glasses on make speeches at tribunals and get to say 'testicles' about 70 times, and five kilometre long queues of victims are lined up outside tribunals to give evidence against defendants. At the end of the day priests get to give preliminary lectures on principles to said defendants as they arrive at barbed wire compounds.

Prison Warders
Everywhere that isn't part of a prison is sort of made into the grounds of a prison. Fat ignorant slobs are running around everywhere with a baton under one arm and prison regulations under the other. Only books allowed are prison regulations, official prison bibles, and stale-looking copies of Little Women. Society's eccentrics are allowed to keep the Official Book of Poetry PL-321 which an official blind eye will be turned if they are found in the possession thereof. Intellectuals are allowed a copy of 101 Household Hints.
There is only one joke allowed in society and only the prison adjutant is allowed to tell it. Anyone who thinks up another joke gets arrested. It follows: "The prison adjutant found a drunk laying on the footpath. So he took him to the guardhouse where he began laying a charge." Ha ha ha ... get it!
And if you're one of the upper crust you get to take your hairy legs and regulation thongs to the prison officers' barbecue once a month, and laugh at said prison adjutant's joke.

A brief sampling of the people who get to be preside at the tribunals in the new world order.

Prison intellectuals: wears glasses and reads books. Hates screws, cops, society, the legal system, and presumably, the three guys he stabbed while inside. Describes himself as a political prisoner (got caught stealing girls' panties from clotheslines, so shot a cop, slit a housewife's throat, shot mother and baby waiting at bus stop.) Is suing state because the interrogating cop hit him with a phone book.

Psycho wop: hates Anglo Saxons for taking so many prisoners in North Africa and stealing perfume bottles from officers.

Whingeing Poms: gets to cleanse Australia of all low class types, namely Australians. With all the people left, namely Poms, Australia gets to set up the greatest bumlicking society in world history. Brings back hanging, flogging, the stocks, the cat o' nine, hanging children for stealing teaspoons, hitting kids over knuckles at dinner table for reaching for bread plate, shopkeepers get to suck olives before putting them back in jar, and baths are to be used for what they were meant for.
Dad gets to read fairy tales to kids at bedtime that always end with the words, "... and, he was hanged." Wait for it kiddies, wait for it ... and ... and ... 'e was 'anged. Haw haw haw haw."
All Australians have to hand over their cars and houses because we don't deserve them. Australians also get to grovel on ground as British officers make us dig holes and fill them back in again. Also get daily lectures on why English pork pies are superior to Australian pork pies, because only the English know how to bake them.

The Bumming Parson: this guy wears his collar back the front, supports overseas aid, and always seems to have a smile on his face, as if to say, you know what I'm up to, but I bet you can't prove it. He also always seems to have some little refugee boy living handy to the church who doesn't look too happy about something.

The Liberal Landowner: smokes a pipe, rides a trail bike on his sheep run, affects an atrocious English accent, but somehow reminds you of that Uncle Fred who took you into the woodshed and unzipped his fly back in 1962.

First case tribunal will hear.
A couple of kissing faggots had loudly let off wind in cinema. They complain that when they went to leave and get their backsides past row of patrons, a redneck said, "No way faggots." So they are suing cinema owners, and also taking class action against rednecks for hurt, embarrassment and humiliation. Other patrons are also suing redneck for sending faggots back their way.

Findings: Redneck given 500 years to life in Federal Penitentiary for civil rights violation. Children sent to orphanages. Home and business handed over to his snivelling little sh*t of a neighbour who told federal gang busters where to find him.

I'm sure there are those nice, naive readers who think the things said in this article are exaggerations. They think I have taken poetic licence and that none of these groups are really that bad. In a coming issue we'll have a look at a few press clippings and some quotes from the official constitutions of some of these groups so that you can make up your own mind!

A straight line is the shortest distance between two points.
A smile is the shortest distance between two people.

Do - Not try!
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Super Member
Super Member

Joined: Jul 27, 2008
Posts: 9253
Location: south island New Zealand

PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2011 12:20 am    Post subject: Re: What is Paradise? Reply with quote

hmmm not quite what I was expecting but ok??

You shot it You pluck it !
Them who eats the most duck eats the most feathers!
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Super Member
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Joined: May 26, 2011
Posts: 2944
Location: Ipswich, Queensland Australia

PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2011 12:48 am    Post subject: Re: What is Paradise? Reply with quote

Stop sniffing whatever it is and go and have a good lie down (bex optional).
Seems life in inner sydney isnt quite what we thought it was.......


Dont do anything you wont like explaining to the paramedics..............
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 15715
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2011 4:44 am    Post subject: Re: What is Paradise? Reply with quote

dhc4ever wrote:
Stop sniffing whatever it is and go and have a good lie down (bex optional).
Seems life in inner sydney isnt quite what we thought it was.......

Haha Haha Haha Haha Haha Haha

You been drinking the lens cleaners again Gelan. Very Happy Very Happy Laughing Laughing

Cheers, Vince

Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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Super Member
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Joined: Jun 27, 2009
Posts: 3323
Location: Eugene, Oregon

PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2011 6:01 am    Post subject: Re: What is Paradise? Reply with quote

WOW that was impressive!! I'm impressed at the imagination and attention to detail that involved. I can't tell you how entertaining that was! Read it just before work this morning. Suz gives it an A+, two thumbs up and an.....wait for it....and and 'e was 'anged. Haw haw haw haw. I split a gut! Where the, did this come from anyway?


May the moon keep you centered,
May the sun keep you dancing,
And the stars shed light on your dreams.
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 11392
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2011 7:44 am    Post subject: Re: What is Paradise? Reply with quote

Keep it comin'...I hear what you are sayin'

I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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Joined: Sep 20, 2010
Posts: 2984
Location: Iowa

PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2011 7:51 am    Post subject: Re: What is Paradise? Reply with quote

Well said gelandangan.


Limitations are but boundaries created inside our minds.
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