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The Tactical Guy
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Shipster
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Joined: Dec 15, 2006
Posts: 26
Location: Oregon

PostPosted: Tue Jan 02, 2007 4:38 pm    Post subject: The Tactical Guy Reply with quote

The Tactical Guy

As I was leaving my house, I stuffed my Glock 10mm "man gun" Mexican style in my pants. My backup is a fully customized 1911 with all the IPSC add-on options in my $500.00 leather pancake holster custom made by Belgian Monks who have devoted their lives to silence and holster making. These are the ones used by SEAL Team 6, which I used to be a part of, but all records of my activities were destroyed in a fire "accident".

I put on my Royal Robbins photographer vest to match my pants while wearing a T-shirt underneath reading "From My Cold Dead Hands". That way, nobody can see what I'm packing.

I had my Centennial .38 Special in my ankle holster, just like the gun rag
guys carry. Lastly, I had my "Covert Sniper" I.D. Card in my wallet with my "Concealed Weapons Permit Badge". I was ready for anything.

I drove my Bug Out Truck to the 7-11 for some beer, 'cause you never know. It is a performance styled Subaru BRAT with 4 cylinders of ground pounding fury.

I pulled up to the 7-11 store and noticed a nefarious looking Girl Scout
eyeballing me from the back of her mothers' SUV. A likely cover.

The mother returned to the truck and went for the keys in her purse, but I
knew from my years of combat honed instincts that she was actually making a furtive movement for an offensive weapon.

I attempted a tactical shoulder roll, but fell flat on my face, kind of
flopping on the pavement to avoid any incoming rounds and to make it look
like I meant to do that. The store owner called 911, which is good because I
then did a roll and attempted to draw my Glock.

Unfortunately, since I did not have a holster, the gun "went off", and the
bullet creased my wiener. But I was prepared for that and bit down on a
9mm casing to take my mind off the pain as I dove for the garbage barrel.
That's when I noticed the Girl Scout shouting something to her mother who
began to take cover. I knew they were closing on me so I drew my custom
trusty 1911 Wilson Combat...I knew that they would be impressed with that.
I then duck walked to the front of her SUV, but my gut kinda got in the way
and I fell on my butt, which caused me to swallow my 9mm casing.

I then tried to roll to my right, but didn't want to scuff my holster, so I
just threw myself into the telephone pole, but I landed on my right side
anyway. So I fired one shot towards the woman's SUV to pin them down as I recovered my wind.

And before the mother knew what was happening, I charged her and I threw my groin into her knee. I knew that as I vomited on the ground in front of her that I had interupted her OODA loop. I had the advantage now. As she ran screaming for the Girl Scout, (I knew she was going for backup) I made for my Super Charged BRAT Tactical truck. I jumped into the drivers seat forgetting that I had left my rare Israeli contract AR 15 Bayonet on the seat, honed to a razor's edge. I could handle it though. Half of my butt is an implant from war wounds.

As I attempted to start my truck, police and paramedics arrived on the
scene. My truck would not start and instead backfired once and caused the
police to Tase me. At which point I tactically soiled myself while in
convulsions. My custom 1911 then fell out the window, but I still had my
Centennial .38. I knew that I had to take out the woman with the purse.

So I aimed my revolver at her at which point the first police officer fired
once striking me in the chest. Fortunately, I was wearing my level 3A body
armor. I didn't want to hurt the cops--they had obviously been duped by the
evil temptress who was now embracing her partner in crime and crying to the police in the background. I knew it was a ruse.

I pulled out my concealed weapons permit badge and showed it to the officer who shot me and yelled out, "I'm one of you guys!" He continued to cover me and ordered me to drop my .38 so I laid it down. I still had my bayonet after all, attached to my butt. The cop walked toward me and upon reading the badge, maced me right in the eyes. Fortunately, my Oakley shooting glasses stopped most of the spray and I was able to rip free of the Taser cords easily. It only cost me one nipple, easily replaced. I dove for the passenger side of my truck and began to run zig-zag for a ditch.
Unfortunately, the bayonet sticking out of my butt slowed me down. I knew it would have to be hand-to-hand now. I knew the cop coudn't take me when I saw he merely carried a Glock 17, not a man's gun. So I immediately threw my eye into his right hook, followed by a knee into his Mag light. As I lay thrashing on the ground, I took the heel of my Bates Enforcer boot and kicked at the cops ankle. I knew from my classified experiences in Tajikistan that once breaking the ankle, the cop would fall down and I could "stun kick" him in the head, knocking him out but not hurting him.

Apparently the cop had also been to Tajikistan because he side stepped me
and struck me in the back with his ASP baton, but my trauma plate absorbed it. I then drew my Benchmade auto knife and was promptly tased again, but I was ready for it this time and only wet myself a little bit.

Next thing those cops knew, I was unconscious. That'll teach 'em.

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Shipster
Relaxation Technique: deep breath in; exhale; deep breath in; exhale slowly, hold.... and squeeze.....
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Dimitri
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Joined: Nov 25, 2005
Posts: 5910

PostPosted: Tue Jan 02, 2007 6:34 pm    Post subject: Re: The Tactical Guy Reply with quote

Haha

You had me laughing from the Subaru BRAT comment all the way to the end! Haha

Dimitri

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Bushmaster
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 11075
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Tue Jan 02, 2007 8:32 pm    Post subject: Re: The Tactical Guy Reply with quote

Hummm...When I was in The USSR of Cal I think I met this guy...Sounds familiar anyway...

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DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
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sniper
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Joined: Aug 18, 2005
Posts: 735
Location: Utah

PostPosted: Tue Jan 02, 2007 9:15 pm    Post subject: Re: The Tactical Guy Reply with quote

ROFL ROFL Can anyone remember the difference between a war story and a fairy tale? Viking

He forgot "GO AHEAD, Make my day"! Very Happy Good one!
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gelandangan
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Joined: May 07, 2006
Posts: 6148
Location: Sydney Australia

PostPosted: Tue Jan 02, 2007 10:43 pm    Post subject: Re: The Tactical Guy Reply with quote

ROFL

Daym.. thats one knotted yarn Laughing

Gelan

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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 14809
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 12:03 am    Post subject: Re: The Tactical Guy Reply with quote

HA HA HA HA.....there I was...knee deep in grenade pins.....:lol: Laughing

Good one Shipster.

Cheers, Vince

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Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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1895ss
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Joined: Jul 21, 2005
Posts: 2613
Location: Not Here...!!

PostPosted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 12:56 am    Post subject: Re: The Tactical Guy Reply with quote

I sure hope he had a good day after all that............... Haha Haha Haha
Good one Shipster Very Happy

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'Tis far better to walk alone than to follow a crowd or an a**hole going the wrong way.
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tracker
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Joined: Nov 08, 2006
Posts: 1175
Location: Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Tue Jan 09, 2007 10:30 am    Post subject: Re: The Tactical Guy Reply with quote

Good story shipster, lucky for them you went easy on 'em. Very Happy Very Happy

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4rum
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Joined: Jan 06, 2007
Posts: 211

PostPosted: Tue Jan 09, 2007 2:22 pm    Post subject: Re: The Tactical Guy Reply with quote

...yep... it's a jungle out there.................



Jaw Drop
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Shipster
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Joined: Dec 15, 2006
Posts: 26
Location: Oregon

PostPosted: Thu Jan 25, 2007 7:58 am    Post subject: Re: The Tactical Guy Reply with quote

Ya I'm still recovering from the bayonet wound. I still hurts to sit. Smile

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Andrew Rothman
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Joined: May 07, 2007
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PostPosted: Mon May 07, 2007 12:07 am    Post subject: Re: The Tactical Guy Reply with quote

Shipster, you were going to mention that this story was written in 2004 on The High Road by a guy called OrangeNinja, weren't you?

www.thehighroad.org/sh...p?t=117745
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Dimitri
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PostPosted: Mon May 07, 2007 8:45 am    Post subject: Re: The Tactical Guy Reply with quote

Andrew Rothman, welcome to the forums Howdy

Dimitri

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A thousand hills, but no birds in flight, ten thousand paths, with no people's tracks. A lonely boat, a straw-hatted old man, fishing alone in the cold river snow.
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orangeninja
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Joined: Jun 22, 2007
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 10:07 pm    Post subject: Re: The Tactical Guy Reply with quote

Thanks Andrew,

I'm the origional author and I'm glad everyone enjoyed the story. It's meant for belly laughs.

Shipster, it's generally polite to credit the origional author when posting their material, but I'm guessing you didn't know it was me...no harm, no foul.

To anyone interested there are about 5 other stories of this nature on www.thehighroad.org. Just keyword search it.
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Dimitri
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2007 9:59 am    Post subject: Re: The Tactical Guy Reply with quote

orangeninja,

Welcome to the forums. Howdy

Dimitri

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A thousand hills, but no birds in flight, ten thousand paths, with no people's tracks. A lonely boat, a straw-hatted old man, fishing alone in the cold river snow.
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keetoowah
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Joined: Mar 20, 2007
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Location: Deep in the mountains of Montana

PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2007 7:48 pm    Post subject: Re: The Tactical Guy Reply with quote

Funny stuff... thanks for sharing it

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