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These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only.
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
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Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 12:43 am    Post subject: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. Reply with quote

I love a good smart joke, even if they sometimes take me a minute to figure out. Here’s my favorite 20, the 5th One Had Me Confused!:

1. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!” Newton replies “You didn’t find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”

2. A mathematician and an engineer decided they’d take part in an experiment. They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said “Don’t you see? You’ll never get close enough to actually reach her.” The engineer replied, “So? I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”

3. A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says “make me one with everything.” The buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid. “Where’s my change?” the monk asks. The vendor replies, “change comes from within”.

4. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I would like a cup of coffee please. No cream.” the waitress replies, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

5. Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other and says “Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it’s funny?” Godel replies “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says “Of course it’s funny, you’re just telling it wrong.”

6. It’s hard to take kleptomaniacs and puns seriously. Why? They take things literally.

7. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

8. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says the same. The third says “Yes!”

9. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” asks the bartender. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.”

10. Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “Five beers please!”

11. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor hands the baby to the dad. His wife asks if it’s a boy or girl. The logician replies “Yes.”

12. Boy I tell ya, entropy ain’t what it used to be.

13. How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

14. Why do engineers mix up Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

15. Pavlov is at a bar enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he shouts “Oh! I forgot to feed the dog.”

16. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” Helium doesn’t react.

17. Shrodinger’s cat walks into the bar and doesn’t.

18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.” The Higgs Boson replied, “Well, without me, you can’t have mass.”

19. A programmer’s wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread.

20. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet though.

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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RePete
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Joined: Aug 15, 2005
Posts: 1034
Location: Gods Country

PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 3:23 am    Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. Reply with quote

Roses

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Stercus Accidit = Sh*t Happens in Latin.

Nice try = You Suck spelled different.

My parents spanked me as a child. As a result, I now suffer from a psychological condition known as RESPECT FOR OTHERS.
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Bushmaster
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 11381
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 7:51 am    Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. Reply with quote

And you assume there are inteligent people on this site...

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Tremblay
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Joined: Oct 08, 2007
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Location: Malta, Montana

PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 8:00 am    Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. Reply with quote

Bushmaster wrote:
And you assume there are inteligent people on this site...

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Never argue with a stupid person ,cause they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. Mark Twwain
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gelandangan
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Joined: May 07, 2006
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Location: Sydney Australia

PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 2:11 pm    Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. Reply with quote

Laughing

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dhc4ever
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Joined: May 26, 2011
Posts: 2944
Location: Ipswich, Queensland Australia

PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 3:19 pm    Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. Reply with quote

Bushy nailed it.

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Pete

Dont do anything you wont like explaining to the paramedics..............
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PaulS
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Joined: Feb 18, 2006
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Location: South-Eastern Washington - the State

PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 10:18 pm    Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. Reply with quote

#14 is for coders or computer engineers - I don't believe mechanical engineers would get it at all.

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Paul
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RePete
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 2:22 am    Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. Reply with quote

I was a mechanic and I get it.

Octal and decimal.

_________________
Proud member of the WTFDTSG Club.

Stercus Accidit = Sh*t Happens in Latin.

Nice try = You Suck spelled different.

My parents spanked me as a child. As a result, I now suffer from a psychological condition known as RESPECT FOR OTHERS.
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Bushmaster
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 11381
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 7:26 am    Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. Reply with quote

Oh Goodie...Repete is an intellectual...Just like Vince. Scratch

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Tremblay
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Joined: Oct 08, 2007
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 7:43 am    Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. Reply with quote

I guess I need it explained !!!

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Never argue with a stupid person ,cause they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. Mark Twwain
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PaulS
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 9:26 am    Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. Reply with quote

RePete did explain it;

The OCTal #31 has the same value as the DECimal #25

I think we have a lot of "intellectuals" here. Some are more educated in some areas than others but I believe we are all intellectual in some way.

Bushy and Tremblay have their intelligence directed in more practical areas and I have a head full of stuff that not many people care about. Our collection here is not dissimilar to the founding fathers of this great republic.

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Paul
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So and So's pages on the internet = NOT reliable loading data
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Bushmaster
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 12:15 pm    Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. Reply with quote

It's all Vince's fault...

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I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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Elvis
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Joined: Jul 27, 2008
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 1:43 pm    Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. Reply with quote

Bushmaster wrote:
It's all Vince's fault...
isnt it always??????
plurry Aussies at least like us Kiwis they can laugh at themselves and as our brave young men prooved a hundred years ago tomorrow can hold up their end in the worst of battle conditions.

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Tremblay
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 3:06 pm    Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. Reply with quote

deci = 1/10 octal = pertains to a number system on the base 8.

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Never argue with a stupid person ,cause they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. Mark Twwain
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Elvis
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 3:10 pm    Post subject: Re: These Jokes Are For Intellectuals Only. Reply with quote

really????????
decimal system is all interlinked
a litre of water fits in a 10 cm x 10cm x10cm container and weighs 1 kilogram
ton of water is a cubic meter

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