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This brings a tear to your eye
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Vince
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 14805
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Mon Jul 30, 2012 11:13 pm    Post subject: This brings a tear to your eye Reply with quote

Parental Advisory Parental Advisory

Apparently .....this letter was actually sent into Veet.... (hair removal cream maker)

"After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.

Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my butt. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, butt in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my butt while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ".

Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...

So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect......."

Embarassed Embarassed Embarassed Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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Elvis
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jul 27, 2008
Posts: 8491
Location: south island New Zealand

PostPosted: Mon Jul 30, 2012 11:25 pm    Post subject: Re: This brings a tear to your eye Reply with quote

Im crying the laughter has brought me to tears.

_________________
You shot it You pluck it !
Them who eats the most duck eats the most feathers!
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dhc4ever
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 26, 2011
Posts: 2727
Location: Ipswich, Queensland Australia

PostPosted: Tue Jul 31, 2012 1:12 am    Post subject: Re: This brings a tear to your eye Reply with quote

You owe me a new keyboard.
Please make it coffee proof this time.
Bastard........
My nose hurts as well

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Pete

Dont do anything you wont like explaining to the paramedics..............
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radar
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Oct 01, 2008
Posts: 1109
Location: North Island New Zealand

PostPosted: Tue Jul 31, 2012 1:14 am    Post subject: Re: This brings a tear to your eye Reply with quote

As I told you in my PM that was a beaut, up there with the chill eating competition, P.S. I'm still crying

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People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.

George Orwell
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Vince
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 14805
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Tue Jul 31, 2012 1:15 am    Post subject: Re: This brings a tear to your eye Reply with quote

dhc4ever wrote:
You owe me a new keyboard.
Please make it coffee proof this time.
Bastard........
My nose hurts as well

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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Donut Slayer
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jun 27, 2007
Posts: 594
Location: Pensacola, Florida

PostPosted: Wed Aug 01, 2012 1:26 pm    Post subject: Re: This brings a tear to your eye Reply with quote

Vince, my man, you are the king. ROTFL

_________________
Browning X-Bolt in 30'06. The work for a pet load starts again. Wink The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
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Tremblay
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Oct 08, 2007
Posts: 2290
Location: Malta, Montana

PostPosted: Thu Aug 02, 2012 6:16 pm    Post subject: Re: This brings a tear to your eye Reply with quote

Well hows every thing now Vince ?????????????????????

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Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. - Mark
Twain

Never argue with a stupid person ,cause they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. Mark Twwain
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Vince
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 14805
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Thu Aug 02, 2012 11:48 pm    Post subject: Re: This brings a tear to your eye Reply with quote

Finally cooled down...and smooth as a babies wee little tush...although I don't think the missus will ever be able to look at a sprout again. wtf Very Happy Very Happy Laughing Laughing Laughing

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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Tremblay
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Oct 08, 2007
Posts: 2290
Location: Malta, Montana

PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2012 1:42 am    Post subject: Re: This brings a tear to your eye Reply with quote

Vince wrote:
Finally cooled down...and smooth as a babies wee little tush...although I don't think the missus will ever be able to look at a sprout again. wtf Very Happy Very Happy Laughing Laughing Laughing

Cheers, Vince

Me niether

_________________
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. - Mark
Twain

Never argue with a stupid person ,cause they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. Mark Twwain
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