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Scottish Jokes!
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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marque2011
Rookie Member
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Joined: Jul 01, 2014
Posts: 7
Location: Mexico

PostPosted: Wed Aug 27, 2014 7:11 am    Post subject: Scottish Jokes! Reply with quote

Here are some jokes from Scotland,


A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.
So he says; "What's all this about?"
She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".
To which her hubby fires back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up." She replies.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.
The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."
The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did ye hear about the Scotsman who married a girl born on February the 29th so he'd only have to buy her a birthday present every four years?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tourist: " I'm sorry, waiter, but I only have enough money for the bill. I have nothing left for a tip."
Highland Waiter: " Let me add up that bill again sir."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dad: " Did you use the car last night ? "
Little Sandy: " Yes, Dad. I took some of the boys for a ride."
Dad: " Well, tell them I found two of their lipsticks."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -
Sandy: " Will you marry me ? "
Girlfriend: " No, but I'll always admire your good taste. "

---------------------------------------------------
A woman and a man from Aberdeen were stranded on a desert island after a shipwreck. Their clothes were in rags and their food running out.
‘I suppose it could always be worse,’ said the woman. ‘Oh, aye, it could,’ agreed the Aberdonian. ‘I might have bought a return ticket.’














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tikkat3
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jul 30, 2006
Posts: 755

PostPosted: Wed Aug 27, 2014 5:41 pm    Post subject: Re: Scottish Jokes! Reply with quote

They made me smile marque.
I guess you know that there are only 2 types of people in the world
Scotsmen and those that want to be.
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Elvis
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jul 27, 2008
Posts: 8504
Location: south island New Zealand

PostPosted: Thu Aug 28, 2014 12:47 am    Post subject: Re: Scottish Jokes! Reply with quote

very good...with jokes as good as those you are going to be good to have around.

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Bushmaster
Super Member
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 11079
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Sat Aug 30, 2014 7:23 am    Post subject: Re: Scottish Jokes! Reply with quote

Where'd he go?? Pickin' on Scotsman like that and then runnin' away.

Another "flash in the pan"....

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PaulS
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Joined: Feb 18, 2006
Posts: 4215
Location: South-Eastern Washington - the State

PostPosted: Sat Aug 30, 2014 11:14 pm    Post subject: Re: Scottish Jokes! Reply with quote

I think he was an Irishman - no couldn't be Irish, he would have stayed around for the fight.

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dhc4ever
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 26, 2011
Posts: 2733
Location: Ipswich, Queensland Australia

PostPosted: Sun Aug 31, 2014 12:26 am    Post subject: Re: Scottish Jokes! Reply with quote

Och ei jimmy.......

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Dont do anything you wont like explaining to the paramedics..............
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