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Weinbender Member
Joined: Sep 13, 2007 Posts: 226 Location: Manitoba, Canada
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Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 9:47 am Post subject: Attorneys |
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
_________________ "If it dont kick like a mule, it aint worth shooting" |
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Pumpkinslinger Super Member
Joined: Sep 22, 2007 Posts: 5002 Location: NC foothills
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Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 7:18 pm Post subject: Re: Attorneys |
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What do you call 2,000 lawyers on a sinking cruise ship?
A GOOD START!
_________________ Mike
"I ain't no better than anybody else, and there ain't nobody better than me!" Ma Kettle |
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Vince Site Admin
Joined: May 25, 2005 Posts: 15718 Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA
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scalerman Rookie Member
Joined: Jun 24, 2008 Posts: 11
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Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 3:18 am Post subject: Re: Attorneys |
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It has been said that the corner of Portage and Main in Winnipeg Manitoba is the coldest street corner in Canada- I believe that to be true- I saw a lawyer with his hands on his own pockets.
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Weinbender Member
Joined: Sep 13, 2007 Posts: 226 Location: Manitoba, Canada
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Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 9:40 pm Post subject: Re: Attorneys |
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scalerman wrote: |
It has been said that the corner of Portage and Main in Winnipeg Manitoba is the coldest street corner in Canada- I believe that to be true- I saw a lawyer with his hands on his own pockets. |
That is good, i know that place!!! ....um im not a lawyer tho....
_________________ "If it dont kick like a mule, it aint worth shooting" |
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RePete Super Member
Joined: Aug 15, 2005 Posts: 1035 Location: Gods Country
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Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 5:23 am Post subject: Re: Attorneys |
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How can you tell when a lawyer is telling the truth?
His lips are moving.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp?
One's a bottom dwelling scum sucker and the other's a fish.
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What's the definition of a lawyer?
Go to the dictionary and lookup lawyer and it say's see used car salesman. Lookup used car salesman and it say's see liar. Lookup liar and it say's see lawyer.
_________________ Proud member of the WTFDTSG Club.
Stercus Accidit = Sh*t Happens in Latin.
Nice try = You Suck spelled different.
My parents spanked me as a child. As a result, I now suffer from a psychological condition known as RESPECT FOR OTHERS. |
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whittling Super Member
Joined: Apr 21, 2008 Posts: 586 Location: Texas (home state is Mass)
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Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 6:09 am Post subject: Re: Attorneys |
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_________________ Molon labe!
Service, honor and courage, without these a warrior is nothing. |
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