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Church Bulletins
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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515034s10ring
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Sep 08, 2005
Posts: 1153
Location: Working my way back up and around

PostPosted: Thu Mar 30, 2006 8:30 am    Post subject: Church Bulletins Reply with quote

Parental Advisory

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.

These sentences are true and actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8pm in the
recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love.
Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble
sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began
in their school days.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration
of some older ones.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00pm - prayer and medication to follow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon
------------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the
back door.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
Basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

Shocked ROFL

_________________
Why no......I'm really not an outdoorsmsn at all. But i did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night!
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1895ss
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jul 21, 2005
Posts: 2613
Location: West of Here!!

PostPosted: Sat Apr 01, 2006 1:27 am    Post subject: Re: Church Bulletins Reply with quote

Haha yep typos, even spell check can't help at times ............ Very Happy

_________________
A cruel truth is much more desirable than a really nice lie.
'Tis far better to walk alone than to follow a crowd or an a**hole going the wrong way.
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Dimitri
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Nov 25, 2005
Posts: 5906
Location: Southern Ontario

PostPosted: Sat Apr 01, 2006 7:30 pm    Post subject: Re: Church Bulletins Reply with quote

Haha

I liked:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

Very Happy

Dimitri

_________________
A thousand hills, but no birds in flight, ten thousand paths, with no people's tracks. A lonely boat, a straw-hatted old man, fishing alone in the cold river snow.
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PaulS
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Feb 18, 2006
Posts: 3363
Location: South-Eastern Washington - the State

PostPosted: Sat Apr 01, 2006 10:39 pm    Post subject: Re: Church Bulletins Reply with quote

Don't let the world beat you down,Let Jesus help!
service at 9:00am and 3:00 pm

I won't tell you where that was placed. . .
I am glad that God has a sense of humor!

_________________
Paul
__________________
Speer, Lyman, Hodgdon, Sierra, and Hornady = reliable loading data
So and So's pages on the internet = NOT reliable loading data
Always check data against manuals
NEVER exceed maximum listed loads
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