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unashamably pinched from elsewhere as too good not to share
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Elvis
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Joined: Jul 27, 2008
Posts: 7248
Location: south island New Zealand

PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2016 12:41 pm    Post subject: unashamably pinched from elsewhere as too good not to share Reply with quote

Reasons Not To Match Wits With Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'





A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'


O ne day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'


Finally,...



T he children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples...'

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Them who eats the most duck eats the most feathers!
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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 13375
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2016 2:22 pm    Post subject: Re: unashamably pinched from elsewhere as too good not to share Reply with quote

Never underestimate the guile of a child. Haha Haha Haha Haha

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Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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slimjim
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Joined: May 16, 2009
Posts: 7341
Location: Fort Worth TX

PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2016 1:56 am    Post subject: Re: unashamably pinched from elsewhere as too good not to share Reply with quote

Thanks for sharing this with us, Elvis! It has some good ones!

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"To anger a conservative, lie to him. To anger a liberal, tell him the truth." - Theodore Roosevelt

"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein
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dhc4ever
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Joined: May 26, 2011
Posts: 2319
Location: Ipswich, Queensland Australia

PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2016 9:36 am    Post subject: Re: unashamably pinched from elsewhere as too good not to share Reply with quote

Good stuff
Thanks

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Pete

Dont do anything you wont like explaining to the paramedics..............
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gelandangan
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Joined: May 07, 2006
Posts: 5806
Location: Sydney Australia

PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2016 10:41 am    Post subject: Re: unashamably pinched from elsewhere as too good not to share Reply with quote

Very Happy

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A straight line is the shortest distance between two points.
A smile is the shortest distance between two people.

The government I trust .. is my .45-70 Government.

Do - Not try!


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stovepipe
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Joined: Sep 25, 2008
Posts: 4877
Location: Pine, Az.

PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2016 9:04 am    Post subject: Re: unashamably pinched from elsewhere as too good not to share Reply with quote

El Vee! nice AM chuckle mate!
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dhc4ever
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Joined: May 26, 2011
Posts: 2319
Location: Ipswich, Queensland Australia

PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2016 9:30 am    Post subject: Re: unashamably pinched from elsewhere as too good not to share Reply with quote

Stovey,
Put your glasses on and go back an read who the guilty party is.
Subtle hint , he's on the other side of the ditch........

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Pete

Dont do anything you wont like explaining to the paramedics..............
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stovepipe
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Joined: Sep 25, 2008
Posts: 4877
Location: Pine, Az.

PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2016 9:34 am    Post subject: Re: unashamably pinched from elsewhere as too good not to share Reply with quote

OK- what'd I miss.....
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Elvis
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Joined: Jul 27, 2008
Posts: 7248
Location: south island New Zealand

PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2016 7:17 pm    Post subject: Re: unashamably pinched from elsewhere as too good not to share Reply with quote

nufink stovie dhc must be mixing his mushrooms......lol

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Them who eats the most duck eats the most feathers!
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stovepipe
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2016 7:30 am    Post subject: Re: unashamably pinched from elsewhere as too good not to share Reply with quote

!!!! lol
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Natdogg
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Joined: Feb 19, 2017
Posts: 3

PostPosted: Sat Feb 18, 2017 10:31 pm    Post subject: Re: unashamably pinched from elsewhere as too good not to share Reply with quote

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
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Elvis
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Joined: Jul 27, 2008
Posts: 7248
Location: south island New Zealand

PostPosted: Sun Feb 19, 2017 12:14 am    Post subject: Re: unashamably pinched from elsewhere as too good not to share Reply with quote

wachout guys..... that newbie is my other child Nathan Gorseprickle..... with a bit of luck soon you will be seeing some photos to make us all turn green with envy.... my Bro was cutting up deer yesterday and another stag walked over driveway!!!! the young fella off to stay with relos for a taste of back country living.

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Them who eats the most duck eats the most feathers!
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