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Intellectual Puns
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Vince
Site Admin
Site Admin


Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 15704
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Wed Sep 07, 2016 2:46 am    Post subject: Intellectual Puns Reply with quote



The Best Intellectual Puns That Are So Bad They're Good

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

If a clock gets hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen the mall.

Bakers trade recipes on a knead to know basis.

There was a newspaper headline about a tightrope walker walking across the river Han in Korea. The headline went

"Skywalker Crosses Han Solo"

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.

Q: Which animal is best at playing poker?
A: The bluffalo!

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

What are you when you're running in front of a car?
Tired.
What are you when you're running behind a car?
Exhausted.

To whoever took my Microsoft Office: I will find you. You have my Word.

Whiteboards are remarkable.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

The Times ran a headline for Micheal Foot's involvement in a Nuclear disarmament movement.
Headline read: "Foot Heads Arms Body"

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

Your calendar's days are numbered.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It's very time consuming.

Q: What's the tallest buildingin any city?
A: The library! Because it has the most stories.

One day, the monks at the monastery decided they need to raise money.
Friar Tuck decided to start a florist's shop. It was a success! All the villagers nearby loved to buy flowers from the men of God.
All except one, that is.
The local florist! He was getting run out of business by the monks. He went to the Friar and asked him to close their shop, but they refused.
A week later, he went back again, and begged the Friar to close down the shop - he was going bankrupt, and his family was hungry!
Again, they refused.
Another week still, the florists's mother went to the monastery and nagged them to close down to save her poor old son.
And yet again, they refused.
The local florist was fed up with the monks, and spent the last of his money to hire Hugh McTagart, the roughest thug in town, and well know for doing anything for money.
Hugh went to Friar Tuck, and told him that if he didn't close their florist shop, he'd have to 'persuade' them. Initially, Tuck refused-- but when McTagart began to smash up the shop and threaten the pacifist monks, he caved in and closed the shop.
Just goes to show you; Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Three guys are on a boat and they have four cigarettes, but no matches or cigarettes or anything to light them with. What do they do?
They throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.

How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

Me: Jake, if you could be anything in the world, the sky's the limit, what would you be?
Jake: An astronaut!
Me: Hey! I said the sky's the limit!

Q: What kind of exercise do lazy 
people do?
A: Diddly-squats.

Did you guys hear the joke about the high wall?
It's hilarious! I'm still trying to get over it!

A man walks into a zoo. There is only one animal in the entire zoo. It's a shitzu. Scratch Surprised

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Isabella."
"Isabella who?"
"Isabella broken? I kept pressing it but finally had to knock."

Q: What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?
A: A condescending con descending.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.

You're living, you occupy space, you have mass. You know what that means?
You matter.

BONUS!

Q: Why was the toilet paper rolling down the mountain?
A: To get to the bottom.

Q: Why did the octopus blush?
A: He’d just seen the bottom of the ocean!!!!

I heard Apple is designing a new automatic car.
But they're having trouble installing windows.

YOU WERE WARNED Laughing Laughing Laughing

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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Tremblay
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Oct 08, 2007
Posts: 2645
Location: Malta, Montana

PostPosted: Wed Sep 07, 2016 7:34 am    Post subject: Re: Intellectual Puns Reply with quote

ROFL Haha

_________________
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. - Mark
Twain

Never argue with a stupid person ,cause they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. Mark Twwain
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Elvis
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jul 27, 2008
Posts: 9239
Location: south island New Zealand

PostPosted: Wed Sep 07, 2016 12:48 pm    Post subject: Re: Intellectual Puns Reply with quote

you still got it mate.

_________________
You shot it You pluck it !
Them who eats the most duck eats the most feathers!
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gelandangan
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 07, 2006
Posts: 6396
Location: Sydney Australia

PostPosted: Wed Sep 07, 2016 3:34 pm    Post subject: Re: Intellectual Puns Reply with quote

Keep the crown Vince Laughing

_________________
A straight line is the shortest distance between two points.
A smile is the shortest distance between two people.

Do - Not try!


gelandangan.weebly.com/
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Vince
Site Admin
Site Admin


Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 15704
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Wed Sep 07, 2016 11:31 pm    Post subject: Re: Intellectual Puns Reply with quote

Haha Haha Haha Haha Haha Misc Misc Bonk Insane Insane Nananana Nananana

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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Suzanne
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jun 27, 2009
Posts: 3323
Location: Eugene, Oregon

PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2016 12:17 pm    Post subject: Re: Intellectual Puns Reply with quote

My God it goes on forever!!!!
Good job Vinnie.....




I guess
Suz

_________________
May the moon keep you centered,
May the sun keep you dancing,
And the stars shed light on your dreams.
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