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Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation (Priceless)
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Vince
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 13930
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2014 9:47 pm    Post subject: Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation (Priceless) Reply with quote

Dear Family,

I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being
in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might
consider being with me for my favourite holiday.

Dinner is at 4:00.

NOT 4:15
NOT 4:05.

Two X 2:00

Arrive late and you get what's left over.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those
contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This
year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the
secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at
someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the
stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two
wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another
divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different. This year because I
have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice
things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the
environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem
to deal with.

House Rules:

1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The
television stays off during the meal.

2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 litre
bottles because your children still open a third can before
finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is
empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close
attention to refills.

3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other
way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad
comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door
with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never
been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles
more than you. Buy something from the bakery.

4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a
fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my
home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your
being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without
bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean
casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so
good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being
healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.

7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.

8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am
sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed
at me.

9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the
kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because
company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my
things.

10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that
has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat
is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives
too. I can live with that. Can you?

11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't
need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And
if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I
said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.

12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a
battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and
it's true now that you have kids

13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas.

Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with
beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from
each family needs to be the designated driver. I really mean all
of the above.

Love You,

Grandma

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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lesterg3
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Nov 30, 2008
Posts: 1327
Location: Dixie

PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2014 3:35 am    Post subject: Re: Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation (Priceless) Reply with quote

P.S.

You had better all start listening to your Grandma, because after you leave I have to listen to her for months about you and your kids and if you know your Grandma you know that is not pleasant.

So beware, if you can't follow her simple rules I am going to suggest to her that perhaps if she were to stay at each of your houses for a few weeks each she might be able to help you and help train your kids.

Frankly, I could use the break.

Love Grandpa

_________________
"A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where fifty-one percent of the people may take away the rights of the other forty-nine. "--Thomas Jefferson

The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. -- Thomas Jefferson

"Americans have the right and advantage of being armed - unlike the citizens of other countries whose governments are afraid to trust the people with arms."--James Madison

"The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." Thomas Jefferson.

NRA Life Member
Vietnam War Vet 68-69
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dhc4ever
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 26, 2011
Posts: 2424
Location: Ipswich, Queensland Australia

PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2014 1:16 pm    Post subject: Re: Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation (Priceless) Reply with quote

Both classic, well done.

_________________
Pete

Dont do anything you wont like explaining to the paramedics..............
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Elvis
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jul 27, 2008
Posts: 7782
Location: south island New Zealand

PostPosted: Fri Oct 31, 2014 2:22 am    Post subject: Re: Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation (Priceless) Reply with quote

great stuff.

_________________
You shot it You pluck it !
Them who eats the most duck eats the most feathers!
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