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This could hurt.......
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Vince
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 14125
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 10:12 pm    Post subject: This could hurt....... Reply with quote

Some oldies, but still goodies


WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading-they get better!!!

WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet,
I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

KEEP READING ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM.

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

LOTS MORE TO ENJOY...KEEP SCROLLING DOWN FOR A WHILE.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

LOTS MORE TO LAUGH AT...

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls
and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused,
'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers;
cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

KEEP ON READING .

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they
passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

MORE AND MORE YET TO ENJOY.

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to
repeat everything to men....

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

KEEP ON GOING.

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

SCROLL DOWN SOME MORE...

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and
besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me..'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

YEP, THERE IS SOME MORE...

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00AM.'
He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up,
only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

KEEP ON SCROLLING DOWN...

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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Elvis
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jul 27, 2008
Posts: 7982
Location: south island New Zealand

PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 11:27 pm    Post subject: Re: This could hurt....... Reply with quote

your an evil man Vince...but then again I like that
thankyou for sharing.

_________________
You shot it You pluck it !
Them who eats the most duck eats the most feathers!
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dhc4ever
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 26, 2011
Posts: 2520
Location: Ipswich, Queensland Australia

PostPosted: Sat Feb 23, 2013 12:26 am    Post subject: Re: This could hurt....... Reply with quote

Stop giving them ideas........

_________________
Pete

Dont do anything you wont like explaining to the paramedics..............
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Vince
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 14125
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Sat Feb 23, 2013 1:46 am    Post subject: Re: This could hurt....... Reply with quote

Elvis wrote:
your an evil man Vince...but then again I like that
thankyou for sharing.

We gotta find a way of getting yourself, Radar, Tikkat, DHC4ver, Gelan, Camel and myself together for a drink...I reckon it would be a memorable weekend with all of us evil buggers together mate. Very Happy Very Happy Laughing Laughing Cheers :cheers;

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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gelandangan
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 07, 2006
Posts: 6013
Location: Sydney Australia

PostPosted: Sat Feb 23, 2013 3:46 am    Post subject: Re: This could hurt....... Reply with quote

yep, dangerous thoughts. Haha

_________________
A straight line is the shortest distance between two points.
A smile is the shortest distance between two people.

The government I trust .. is my .45-70 Government.

Do - Not try!


gelandangan.weebly.com/
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Elvis
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jul 27, 2008
Posts: 7982
Location: south island New Zealand

PostPosted: Sat Feb 23, 2013 1:40 pm    Post subject: Re: This could hurt....... Reply with quote

Vince wrote:
Elvis wrote:
your an evil man Vince...but then again I like that
thankyou for sharing.

We gotta find a way of getting yourself, Radar, Tikkat, DHC4ver, Gelan, Camel and myself together for a drink...I reckon it would be a memorable weekend with all of us evil buggers together mate. Very Happy Very Happy Laughing Laughing Cheers :cheers;
mate that would be totally awesome...now just to win lotto,buy wife a home and then....... a hunting we will go ,a hunting we will go, hi ho a merry o, a hunting we will go.
probably would help to buy a ticket more often.

_________________
You shot it You pluck it !
Them who eats the most duck eats the most feathers!
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