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Health and Safety concerns at Christmas
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Vince
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 13132
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Thu Dec 16, 2010 12:45 am    Post subject: Health and Safety concerns at Christmas Reply with quote

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way.


A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

2. While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around.


The Shepherds Union has complained that it breaches Health and Safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that, due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year, they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his/her glory all around he/she must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.


3. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.


You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities act, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.


4. We Three Kings

We three Kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star.


Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold', etc. - gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient's name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC Routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels' hooves.


5. Away in a Manger

Away in a Manger
No Crib for a bed.


DHS should be immediately contacted as mangers are not suitable places of rest for newborn babies due to unsanitary conditions, sharing with animals, lack of proper ventilation and no access to running fresh water and heating. Therefore under no circumstances should a crib be put in a manger. A risk assessment should also be carried out before allowing animals to occupy said manger - are there tethering facilities, running water, and food receptacles. If not, the manger should not be used and the animals should be removed and housed elsewhere (but still not with the Baby Jesus).

You must be fully cognizant of your responsibilities re a full declaration/conflict of interest considerations/Asset register

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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tikkat3
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jul 30, 2006
Posts: 696

PostPosted: Thu Dec 16, 2010 2:12 am    Post subject: Re: Health and Safety concerns at Christmas Reply with quote

I love this OHS stuff Vince.
Just think of what a fantastic safe world we would have now if they took OHS seriously 2000 years ago.
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Vince
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 13132
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Thu Dec 16, 2010 2:25 am    Post subject: Re: Health and Safety concerns at Christmas Reply with quote

Mate...I'd hate to even think of it...I think the vast majority of it is a crock of sh1te.

One of the things that annoys me today is the Govt constantly putting Rules and Regulations in place to protect us from ourselves...they are destroying our spirit.

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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Pumpkinslinger
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Sep 22, 2007
Posts: 4402
Location: NC foothills

PostPosted: Thu Dec 16, 2010 7:46 am    Post subject: Re: Health and Safety concerns at Christmas Reply with quote

All the "safety rules" allow the stupid people to keep breeding, whereas in the past they would have been eliminated from the gene pool before they could contaminate it. I propose that we reintroduce cave bears to remove the slow, stupid people from the population as this is a proven method from the past.

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Mike

"I ain't no better than anyone else, and there ain't no one better than me!" Ma Kettle

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cbsweeney
Member
Member


Joined: Jun 18, 2010
Posts: 197
Location: New York

PostPosted: Thu Dec 16, 2010 8:48 am    Post subject: Re: Health and Safety concerns at Christmas Reply with quote

"One of the things that annoys me today is the Govt constantly putting Rules and Regulations in place to protect us from ourselves...they are destroying our spirit."


I agree with you 100%. The Government has decided that we cannot exercise enough common sense to keep our selves out of harms way. So they create another "Bureau of something" at our expense, and give thier Bozo friends a job. Mad

On the other hand, that was pretty funny, Vince. Very Happy

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Give a man a fish, and he will eat today. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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Bushmaster
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10301
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Thu Dec 16, 2010 10:13 am    Post subject: Re: Health and Safety concerns at Christmas Reply with quote

If you make it too safe, when the idiots do get into an unsafe situation they will not know how to get out of it safely. They vertually will have no experience with "unsafe" conditions.

_________________
I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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1895ss
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jul 21, 2005
Posts: 2613
Location: West of Here!!

PostPosted: Thu Dec 16, 2010 10:27 am    Post subject: Re: Health and Safety concerns at Christmas Reply with quote

I'll be sure to bring this up with the OH&S dudes at work. Good one Vince Very Happy Very Happy

_________________
A cruel truth is much more desirable than a really nice lie.
'Tis far better to walk alone than to follow a crowd or an a**hole going the wrong way.
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Bushmaster
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10301
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Thu Dec 16, 2010 11:22 am    Post subject: Re: Health and Safety concerns at Christmas Reply with quote

zz...Is OH&S anything like CAL-OSHA?

_________________
I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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1895ss
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jul 21, 2005
Posts: 2613
Location: West of Here!!

PostPosted: Thu Dec 16, 2010 11:46 am    Post subject: Re: Health and Safety concerns at Christmas Reply with quote

Bushmaster wrote:
zz...Is OH&S anything like CAL-OSHA?

Not sure ... what's CAL-OSHA? OH&S is our Government controlled Occupational Health and Safety.

_________________
A cruel truth is much more desirable than a really nice lie.
'Tis far better to walk alone than to follow a crowd or an a**hole going the wrong way.
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Bushmaster
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10301
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Thu Dec 16, 2010 12:10 pm    Post subject: Re: Health and Safety concerns at Christmas Reply with quote

We have two "safety boards" CAL-OSHA and OSHA. If you don't run afoul of OSHA you most certainly will run afoul of CAL-OSHA...CAL OSHA is for the state of the USSR of C...

_________________
I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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