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Colonoscopies
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Vince
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2009 9:10 pm    Post subject: Colonoscopies Reply with quote

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' Shocked Shocked

I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. wtf I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? Very Happy This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. Shocked Shocked There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. Very Happy Shocked
I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' Surprised Embarassed How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. Embarassed

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house. Laughing Laughing

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I like women.'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'


Cheers, Vince

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(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
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1895ss
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2009 9:45 pm    Post subject: Re: Colonoscopies Reply with quote

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy ROFL ROFL ROFL If anyone has had one they know that that is not stretching the truth by much at all!!!!!!!!!! I have had about 5 colonoscopies in my lifetime and although I can't remember the name of the stuff I have had to take the day before, (my cleanout product is a liquid you have to mix in a glass of water) does very much the same thing. I am due for another in 2010. scared

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tikkat3
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2009 11:37 pm    Post subject: Re: Colonoscopies Reply with quote

I woke up half way through mine and I'll tell you........

It wasn't unpleasant at all
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Vince
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2009 11:42 pm    Post subject: Re: Colonoscopies Reply with quote

Tikkat wrote:
It wasn't unpleasant at all

Ummmmm....that worries me a little mate. Very Happy Very Happy Laughing

Cheers, Vince

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Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
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tikkat3
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 04, 2009 1:24 am    Post subject: Re: Colonoscopies Reply with quote

My father inlaw has a DVD of his, now that is great family viewing
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Vince
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 04, 2009 2:08 am    Post subject: Re: Colonoscopies Reply with quote

tikkat3 wrote:
My father inlaw has a DVD of his, now that is great family viewing

Shocked Shocked Shocked

I can see it now....."Hey Ma...throw me DVD on so I can show our new neighbours"

wtf

Confused Confused

Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

Cheers, Vince

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Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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Pumpkinslinger
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 04, 2009 2:42 am    Post subject: Re: Colonoscopies Reply with quote

When I had one as a "welcome to 50" gift from my doctor one of the nurses was fussing at me for being dehydrated. I asked if she'd ever tried the stuff they give you to clean you out and she hadn't. I, along with another nurse, explained that you CAN'T drink fast enough to replace what you're losing!

However, I was happy to have it confirmed by a doctor that I was NOT full of sh..., errr, stuff and that my head was NOT up my ... well, you know!

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English Mike
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 04, 2009 7:35 pm    Post subject: Re: Colonoscopies Reply with quote

I can confirm that ANY of the "cleaning fluids" taken in preparation work just like they say.
As for being sedated for the procedure: Not on your nellie.
Having to hang around till the doc signed me out was NOT on my agenda but FOOD certainly was.
So I did the whole thing wide awake & the minor discomfort was more than compensated for by being home & eating hours before those who wussed out.
The movie they showed whilst doing the procedure was pretty boring though - a tour of some cave I think........ Very Happy
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Vince
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 04, 2009 11:35 pm    Post subject: Re: Colonoscopies Reply with quote

A Totally Shocked Vince wrote:
Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? Very Happy This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.

I have this mental picture of the Space Shuttle launch, and I'm trying to put that into perspective with a visit to the bathroom. Laughing

Cheers, Vince

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Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
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tikkat3
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 05, 2009 1:10 am    Post subject: Re: Colonoscopies Reply with quote

I had a choice, a general or sedative. I took the sedative and was home well before lunch.

The prep mixture is the worst of it
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10spotterminator
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 05, 2009 11:54 am    Post subject: Re: Colonoscopies Reply with quote

Colonoscopies may well indeed be one of the most terrifying proceedures a person has to go through but there are other little known medical torture proceedures out there that rate higher on my list ,,, Sad

The Berriman ultra sound imaging proceedure rates a step above the Colonoscopy in my book ,,,

In this proceedure you get all of the pre exam proceedures listed in the Colonoscopie proceedure "INCLUDING" the nuclear movi-prep septic system flush . The real clincher is what happens during the "so called examination". It should be named "the Dr. Mengele Nazi torture test",,,

You have just spent the hours of 9:00 pm until 6:00 am the following morning trying to reduce the amount of fluids in your body to a level well below the limit to sustain life . You fear you may ruin the upholstery in your car all because someone with a sick sense of humour sheduled your appointment for 7:00 AM . You make it to the Dr.s office only to realize you need to make an appointment with tour Dentist to repair the filings in your teeth you damaged on the way in to the Dr.s office . You rush into the building looking like a Meth addict who has been on a week long run and scaring the hell out of the staff sreaming the word "Bathroom" over and over again until a trauma nurse sees you may go postal at any minute and points the way,,,

So now you have survived the trip in pleased with yourself in that you have shown the highest amount of resolve and willpower possible and feel as though you have just qualified to become a Navy Seal !!! You now calmly find your way back to the receptionists desk because you know you have at least 10 minutes before your next incident, convince the clerk not to call security by smiling sheepishly and saying "Movi-Prep".

Fortunately the clerk understands your plight , calls the Dr. immeadiately and sees to it you go directly to the torture chamber . The Dr. politely introduces himself and the 2 assistants and begins to explain how the proceedure will be performed . He starts out by saying " First we will be giving you an ENEMA " as he is locking the door to the chamber ,,, In an instant you realize you left your trusty old Buck knife at home and are outnumberd 3 to 1 and life as you knew it was at an end . The Dr. now sensing you are about to faint begins trying to hypnotize you and lull you into a false sense of security by telling you things like "It is quite painless and will be over in just a few minutes". I should have taken a stopwatch .

Next of course comes the traditional wearing of the garment that is 2 sizes too small as the matierial comes up short in the back so as to be sure you are nice and alert when your backside contacts that cold vinyl on the exam table . At this point the Dr. is hovering over you holding something that resembles a DILDO with a tube attached and explaining how they are going to get nearly 2 gallons of this special fluid that looks like milk inside of you via your exit only apparatus so they can take some pictures . GOOD LORD !!! I have just stumbled onto some form of sick PORNO operation . Fighting fear with humour I look the Doc square in the eye and remind him I barely made it here accident free and may not be able to fight the urge to get revenge ! He asks me nicely at this point to try and refrain from this pointing out there were women present which definitly made me more comfortable ( yah right ) ! Now starts the dreaded invasive proceedure ,,,

I will spare you the details of my whining and crying upon realizing my manhood was just stolen from me with the Roto-Rooter tool . Having been able to hook up the apparatus they began to play a game I will call the "gas station attendant" game,,, OK ! We got the hose in the tank so lets FILL ER UP !!! As I laid there begging for only a few dollars worth it became evident I was to become a major stockholder in this company ! What happened next was to insure I obtained not only my Navy Seal stature but be awarded the Silver Star to boot . When my stomach was looking like a beach ball and all you could see were the whites of my eyes and it was evident the tank was about to over flow they began what I will refer to as "topping off the tank". This trick reqiures one of the staff to step on the bladder of the gas pump while another attendant starts to poke and prod the beach ball sized fuel tank !!! I was rapidly doing more damage to the fillings in my teeth and spitting out commands to CALL 911 !!! Remove all women and children from the building !!! Tell my wife and kids I love them !!! All the time they kept telling me it will all be over in a minute . This is where the stopwatch would come in handy . I am pretty sure I made it to the #1 spot in Guiness Book of World Records ! At that point my head began to spin and only my basic primitive instincts were still functioning telling me even animals do not soil their own nest !

After what appeared to be an eternity a voice came through the fog and was telling me you are all done and can go to the bathroom now . They pointed to a door in the corner of the room which to me looked like a goal post clear at the other end of the field. It was 4th and goal to go, time for a Hail Mary play. Have any of you ever tried to get out of bed without tensing up your stomach muscles ??? I didnt think it could be done and the attendants were rapidly backing away giving me even less hope . If they were indeed taking pictures they should have been taking video because I did something probabally only seen in professional wrestling getting off of the table onto my feet and commenced to cross the distance to the goal line looking like Charlie Chaplin on 78 speed .

So I make it to the room not even taking time to see if the door was fully closed or not only to realize my WORST FEAR !!! The DAMN TOILET LID WAS DOWN !!! THANK GOD I had been though La Mas birthing training with my wife !!! I nealy hyper ventilated just trying to bend down to raise the lid !!! By now everything is starting to go dark and I am reciting the Lords Prayer and asking to be absolved of all my sins and apologizing for things I dont even remember doing !!! I had a religious revelation for I am sure he heard and aswered my prayer allowing me to find the extra strength to raise the lid, wheel and fire in one perfectly executed move with all being on target !

As I sat there reveling in how much pleasure one can get from a mere bodily function we all take for granted I began to gaze around the little room I was beginning to think of as a very good freind when I began to laugh out loud ,,, As I had been the first victim of the day and the first one to use this panic room I was getting a visual as to the others who had entered here before me as upon close inspection there could be seen little hazy milky spots in every imagineable corner of the room including the CEILING !!! They must have been Atheists .
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10spotterminator
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 05, 2009 12:09 pm    Post subject: Re: Colonoscopies Reply with quote

SORRY GUYS,,, ( double posted )


Last edited by 10spotterminator on Tue Feb 10, 2009 6:47 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Vince
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 05, 2009 9:18 pm    Post subject: Re: Colonoscopies Reply with quote

Haha Haha Haha Haha

What is it about medical...I stress, MEDICAL...invasions of one's nether regions that, although being most embarrassing and uncomfortable, we all usually find most amusing?

Laughing ROFL Laughing ROFL

Cheers, Vince

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Illegitimi non carborundum
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RePete
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 8:16 am    Post subject: Re: Colonoscopies Reply with quote

What are you doing back there?

Pitching a tent? Razz

That'll make your eyes water. Whip

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