Evidently Popgun is still in his 40's and hasn't met diverticulitis yet... He very well could though...

Turn up the Heat Popgun..while you can..

I knew this guy that got drunk and ate 20 hot jalapenos on a dare. He came out to the ranch to help me work on fences the next morning. He ended up being pretty useless the whole day. He spent most of the day out in the brush behind a clump of prickly pear (Chollas) moaning and groaning. I'll swear I thought I saw a whiff a smoke rising from behind that pear bush...well maybe not. Each time he came back, he was soaked in a cold sweat. At the end of the day, he told me that he left a smoldering hairy ring lying on the ground behind that pear bush. I never checked to see if that pear lived through that capsaicin onslaught.

And no, I didn't feel sorry for him.

Cary

I figure right about now is a good time to bring out an "oldie, but goodie".

CHILI JUDGING CONTEST

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."



Here are the scorecards from the event:



Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh1t-faced from all of the beer!



Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really annoys me that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.



Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3-- I crapped myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.



Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like crap to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.


So there ya go Joe....which one should we search out for ya mate?

Cheers, Vince

There are chili cook offs going on down here all the time. Heck, even some of the beer joints have them in their parking lots about every two months or so. Some of those guys and gals can cook some really good chili. You can forget about getting a recipe there.....they always say that its a secret, or they'll leave out an ingredient or two.

I was driving through the town of Jourdanton one day and saw a crowd of people standing in the parking lot of a local beer joint. I thought I'd stop in a see what was going on, hoping that it was a good fight or maybe a rooster fight. You can't ever tell. This place was one of the local cowboy hangouts. It turned out that two cowboys and their drunk girl friends got into a betting contest that each could dress a goat faster than the other. At first I thought that they were talking about killing and skinning a goat...boy was I wrong. One of the girl friends bet the other girl friend that she and her boy friend could run fifty yards, up to a tied goat, and dress the goat in panties, bra, and a dress, then drag the pissed off goat back to the starting line, and undress the goat, while being timed, faster that the other drunk girl and her boy friend. This was the funniest thing I've ever seen. Those goats got pissed and fought them the whole time. They were tripping on the rope, being dragged around the parking lot, and kicked. I didn't know goats would kick. I wished I had a movie camera.

Cary

And the girls now had their panties, bra and dresses on the goats. Right?

You guys are tryin to kill me
Joe

Bushy, you old perv! No that didn't happen, as I had hoped.....I mean as you had hoped.

Cary

You guys are scaring me a little bit.

Oh...Hi Glockman...

Hey Bushy..can't sleep?

It's 2215 here and I don't hit the rack until 2400/0000. Sleeping is the least of my worries...

Past yer bed time?

OntheLasGallinas wrote:

or they'll leave out an ingredient or two.

Like asking for the recipe, it clearly having ground beef in it but it is not even on the list!

Dimitri

Bushmaster wrote:

It's 2215 here and I don't hit the rack until 2400/0000. Sleeping is the least of my worries... Past yer bed time?

Ya it was..11:20 pm.

Bushmaster wrote:

Evidently Popgun is still in his 40's and hasn't met diverticulitis yet... He very well could though...

More like 63 going on 64 this month but I still eats me spinach and full power chili regardless of the after effects. Innards have been burned so many times that there is no pain involved in eating a good chili recipe.

Bowl it up, spoon it down, and kill a cactus tomorrow.