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Apologies to Pomgolia and her sailors
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 14650
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Mon Sep 21, 2020 7:11 pm    Post subject: Apologies to Pomgolia and her sailors Reply with quote

Humour includes a generous amount of poetic/journalistic licence:-
Britannia waives the rules - APOLOGIES TO UK EXPATS
The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will be a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime. All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by the greeting "Hello Sailor".

All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille, with the option for more if personnel from other ethnic groups join the ship’s company.

Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female and transgender crew.

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.

The newly renamed HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Naval Group Committee of the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new orders or legislation from Brussels."

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."

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Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

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"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
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Elvis
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Joined: Jul 27, 2008
Posts: 8361
Location: south island New Zealand

PostPosted: Mon Sep 21, 2020 8:13 pm    Post subject: Re: Apologies to Pomgolia and her sailors Reply with quote

oh that is just too sad,it does however reasonably accurately reflect what is wrong with the world we live in today.

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Bushmaster
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
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Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Tue Sep 22, 2020 8:35 am    Post subject: Re: Apologies to Pomgolia and her sailors Reply with quote

Vince that is pronounced/spelled "Hello Thailor"

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English Mike
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Joined: Jan 08, 2007
Posts: 1606
Location: Whitehaven, Cumbria, UK

PostPosted: Tue Sep 22, 2020 1:01 pm    Post subject: Re: Apologies to Pomgolia and her sailors Reply with quote

That's so 2006... Razz
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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 14650
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Tue Sep 22, 2020 4:02 pm    Post subject: Re: Apologies to Pomgolia and her sailors Reply with quote

Bushmaster wrote:
Vince that is pronounced/spelled "Hello Thailor"

Haha Haha Haha Haha

“English Mike“ wrote:
Thats so 2006... Razz

Haha Haha Haha Haha

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Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
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PaulS
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Joined: Feb 18, 2006
Posts: 4112
Location: South-Eastern Washington - the State

PostPosted: Tue Sep 22, 2020 10:56 pm    Post subject: Re: Apologies to Pomgolia and her sailors Reply with quote

Bushy is telling the truth - he was a sailor and is reporting what was heard on shore leave. Although he alwas demanded a girl with less beard than he had.

your friend, still
Paul Smile

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Paul
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Bushmaster
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 23, 2020 7:36 am    Post subject: Re: Apologies to Pomgolia and her sailors Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing As long as her beard was below her waist.

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Vince
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 23, 2020 4:11 pm    Post subject: Re: Apologies to Pomgolia and her sailors Reply with quote

Bushmaster wrote:
Laughing Laughing As long as her beard was below her waist.

Scratch Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Haha Haha Haha

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Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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PaulS
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Joined: Feb 18, 2006
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 23, 2020 9:17 pm    Post subject: Re: Apologies to Pomgolia and her sailors Reply with quote

I like it! Nice one Bushy. Wink

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Paul
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pete4d
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Joined: Nov 27, 2011
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Location: Dixie , Alabama , & Louisiana

PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2020 4:29 am    Post subject: Re: Apologies to Pomgolia and her sailors Reply with quote

Bushmaster wrote:
:lol: Laughing As long as her beard was below her waist.

Cheers Haha Cheers

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dhc4ever
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Joined: May 26, 2011
Posts: 2660
Location: Ipswich, Queensland Australia

PostPosted: Sun Sep 27, 2020 5:04 pm    Post subject: Re: Apologies to Pomgolia and her sailors Reply with quote

Once a sailor, ..........

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Dont do anything you wont like explaining to the paramedics..............
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Elvis
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Joined: Jul 27, 2008
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Location: south island New Zealand

PostPosted: Mon Sep 28, 2020 12:29 am    Post subject: Re: Apologies to Pomgolia and her sailors Reply with quote

PaulS wrote:
I like it! Nice one Bushy. Wink
in the 70s you could use that statement minus the words "nice one"
and no one would think you strange.

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PaulS
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 28, 2020 8:28 pm    Post subject: Re: Apologies to Pomgolia and her sailors Reply with quote

I believe that was used earlier... Wink

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