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The Electric fence and The Lawn Mower
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 13609
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Fri Jun 01, 2018 7:42 pm    Post subject: The Electric fence and The Lawn Mower Reply with quote

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

Surprised It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Shocked Shocked

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still. wtf

The first thing I notice is my p3cker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of sh1t lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot poop, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just sh1t your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of sh1t chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).


That day changed my life.
I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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TRBLSHTR
Super Member
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Joined: Mar 23, 2007
Posts: 1052
Location: Lower 48's-left coast(near portlandia)

PostPosted: Sat Jun 02, 2018 7:44 am    Post subject: Re: The Electric fence and The Lawn Mower Reply with quote

Laughing oh gawd Vince-too much!

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"Tolerance becomes a crime when applied to evil." Thomas Mann


Last edited by TRBLSHTR on Sat Jun 02, 2018 8:00 am; edited 1 time in total
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TRBLSHTR
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Joined: Mar 23, 2007
Posts: 1052
Location: Lower 48's-left coast(near portlandia)

PostPosted: Sat Jun 02, 2018 7:45 am    Post subject: Re: The Electric fence and The Lawn Mower Reply with quote

Laughing oh gawd Vince-too much!Btw -I've got to weed eat around my electric fence today.......................It will be un feckin plugged!

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"Tolerance becomes a crime when applied to evil." Thomas Mann
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slimjim
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Joined: May 16, 2009
Posts: 7535
Location: Fort Worth TX

PostPosted: Sat Jun 02, 2018 11:15 am    Post subject: Re: The Electric fence and The Lawn Mower Reply with quote

Vince, maybe you should go back to fishing.

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"To anger a conservative, lie to him. To anger a liberal, tell him the truth." - Theodore Roosevelt

"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein
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PaulS
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Joined: Feb 18, 2006
Posts: 3540
Location: South-Eastern Washington - the State

PostPosted: Sat Jun 02, 2018 4:25 pm    Post subject: Re: The Electric fence and The Lawn Mower Reply with quote

I split my ground wire. One went into the ground with a 6' ground rod and the other ran between each set of hot wires. one hot wire about 6" off the ground and 6" up was a ground wire, then another 6" to the next hot wire and so on to the top hot wire on the fence. My dogs used to find dry spots on the ground and jump through the fence. After running hot and ground wires I would hear an occasional yelp followed by a discussion between the dogs for trying a stupid stunt. It took about three times for them to figure out that there was no escape before they settled down and quit trying.

Firemen don't believe you when you tell them the fence is off and they will watch your yard burn until you prove to them that it is off. They're smarter than the dogs!

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Paul
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pete4d
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Joined: Nov 27, 2011
Posts: 425
Location: Dixie , Alabama , & Louisiana

PostPosted: Sat Jun 02, 2018 5:57 pm    Post subject: Re: The Electric fence and The Lawn Mower Reply with quote

Been there ,done that , more than once i my life ,

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"march to the sound of the guns and shoot everyone not dressed like you"--D I 1968

When the SHTF I'm gonna hunker down until all those idiots kill each other.

I'm on the watch list are you ?
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English Mike
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Joined: Jan 08, 2007
Posts: 1315
Location: Whitehaven, Cumbria, UK

PostPosted: Sun Jun 03, 2018 1:52 pm    Post subject: Re: The Electric fence and The Lawn Mower Reply with quote

If you don't mind a jolt yourself & are wearing insulating footwear (like wellington boots), it's fun to hold a cattle fence & then grab someone else's hand. Evil Devil
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gelandangan
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Joined: May 07, 2006
Posts: 5864
Location: Sydney Australia

PostPosted: Sun Jun 03, 2018 4:15 pm    Post subject: Re: The Electric fence and The Lawn Mower Reply with quote

Haha

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Elvis
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Joined: Jul 27, 2008
Posts: 7520
Location: south island New Zealand

PostPosted: Sun Jun 03, 2018 6:25 pm    Post subject: Re: The Electric fence and The Lawn Mower Reply with quote

yip the good old KIWI invention sure has given us a few chuckles over the years....and more than a few tears.
the wee portable ones powered by small batteries work great if neighbourhood dogs keep cocking leg on tyres...just hook up to car itself but for crying out loud remember to unhook before you go to get in . Very Happy

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