I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day
before, the girl asked me to 'Cook her something she's never had before for dinner ' .
After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I
finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.
I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field
rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's
what I made:
I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets,
took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King,
and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some
dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in
one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive oil.
In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and
rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like
succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a
glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450
When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork
chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the
MRE cheese (kind of like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys
from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on
it, it looks fancy right?)
For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added
five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I
heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky
gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.
For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special
Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named 'Military Special'--it
sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of 'Electrolytes -
1 each - Cherry flavoured' (I swear, the packet says that). It looked
like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I
guess.....or it coulda been leftover sand from Egypt, either way).
I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and
set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China
(that $h!t is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over
$600), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.
She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the
food, and said 'This looks INCREDIBLE!!!'
We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she
kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I
obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of
balked at the makeshift 'wine' I had set out, but after she tried it I
guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.
At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she
squealed with delight at the 'Chocolate mousse' I had made. Huh?
Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to
Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to
use my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to
herself 'uh oh' and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her
utterance of dismay.
Let the games begin.
She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each,
Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smellgood) and returned to the
couch, this time with an obvious pained look.
After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated
to the bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say 'What the hell
is WRONG with me???,' as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the
porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the
toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.
Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on
the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up
to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without
a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and
didn't come out for 30 minutes.
I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me
laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.
She came out with a slightly gray palor to her face, and said 'I am
SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so
embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!' I gave
her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.
Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because
she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and
showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.
After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000
calories of 'Army food' she turned stark white, looked at me
incredulously, and said 'I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that
was made 3 years ago?' After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys,
and took off without a word.
She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't crap for 3 days, and
when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it
from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to
combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook
dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the
It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said
that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a
date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I
had been in tears on the couch.
I know, I'm an a$$hole, but it was still a funny night.