A squad of recently graduated Royal Marines had been sent to Malaya for a 'Jungle survival training course', what they could eat, what could poison, what to use in making a shelter also what dangerous animals they could meet. In particular a particularly dangerous snake common in the area, the snake was generally orange in colour with brown stripes. This snake was particularly aggressive and would sometimes strike without warning, if (when confronted) the recommended method of dispatching it was to grab it by its tail, slide your other hand up to its neck and break its back.

During the final few days of their training they were taken out to the jungle to try out their knowledge, at a clearing the Sergeant in charge split them into pairs and told them to take a different path for each pair and to put into practice what they had learned.

Off they went along different tracks, until only one soldier was left, "alright Jones, you're with me." Said the Sarge. When they reached a fork in the track the Sergeant figured he would send Jones to go one way for half an hour, studying what he'd learned, then report back on what he could locate in terms of survival. When he was out of sight, the Sergeant sat and had a nap.

Waking up with a start, he realised Jones hadn't yet returned and over an hour had passed. He was just about to go looking for him when he heard crashing through the jungle and Jones staggered out with his uniform in tatters, covered in scratches and generally a bloody mess.

"What the heck happened to you, Jones?" asked the Sarge.

"Well Sarge I came across one of those brown and orange plurry snakes you warned us about, and I remembered you told us that the safe way to dispatch it was to grab it by its tail run my other hand up its body and break its neck?"

"Correct Jones, that is the approved method" replied the Sergeant "So what in heck happened to you?"

"Well I tried to do what you taught us Sarge, I grabbed the bast#%d, in my left hand, slid my right hand up its body....and...and.....and.....Sarge, have you ever stuck your thumb up a tigers ar$*?"

Thanks for the chuckle, Vince.

ELVIS is trying to get Vince's title.

They forgot to tell that soldier that snakes have scales?

I just love getting to know the local wildlife... but then we don't have tigers here.

Oh, that is pure gold Elvis...I love it mate...especially since when in Malaysia with the Army back in the early 80’s we were camped in the jungle and had a tiger not too far from us...close enough to hear and smell.

It would be a toss up as to what smelled the worst, the soldier’s pants or his thumb.

Sounds about right.