Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice!!!

I don't have grey hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that
second week.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no"
which is shorter than "yes" .

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down,
I'll remember it."

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes;
come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can and the friends to post my bail
when I finally snap!

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a
piece of paper.

When did it change from "We the people" to "Screw the people" ?

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me
to someone I can't understand anyway?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what
I came in there for.

hey...I resemble some of those remarks!!!!

I write myself notes. Then can't remember where I put them.

Bushmaster wrote:

I write myself notes. Then can't remember where I put them.

You and me both Bushy...so frustrating.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. .

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.