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I have questions!
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Vince
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 13217
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Thu Jan 23, 2014 4:29 am    Post subject: I have questions! Reply with quote

Hello -- I have questions!

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 peopleSUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?

Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G ?

******

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will ever open from the first end you try?

How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And A FAVORITE:
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're OK..? (then it's you!)
~
REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!

And a day without sunshine is, like..........night!!!!

Confused Confused Confused Confused

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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Suzanne
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jun 27, 2009
Posts: 3277
Location: Eugene, Oregon

PostPosted: Thu Jan 23, 2014 7:03 am    Post subject: Re: I have questions! Reply with quote

Good one Vinnie an I got another one. Why is it when you're shoot using a bench rest it's called bench rest shooting (and you're not using your hands to hold the gun) but when you shoot without the bench rest it's called off-hand but you're using your hands to hold the gun.

Please don't
answer that
Suz

_________________
May the moon keep you centered,
May the sun keep you dancing,
And the stars shed light on your dreams.
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Elvis
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jul 27, 2008
Posts: 7070
Location: south island New Zealand

PostPosted: Fri Jan 24, 2014 12:10 pm    Post subject: Re: I have questions! Reply with quote

just ae well I havent got my morning cuppa here.
one from Billy C
teflon that we use in frying pans was invented as part of the space programme, but in space wouldnt you want your eggs to stay in the pan??

_________________
You shot it You pluck it !
Them who eats the most duck eats the most feathers!
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