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Australian Tourism
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Vince
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 13172
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 5:22 am    Post subject: Australian Tourism Reply with quote

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from..
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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Tremblay
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Oct 08, 2007
Posts: 1577
Location: Malta, Montana

PostPosted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 7:34 am    Post subject: Re: Australian Tourism Reply with quote

He Haw--- all but the 13th

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Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. - Mark Twain
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Bushmaster
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10327
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 8:30 am    Post subject: Re: Australian Tourism Reply with quote

Aah Tremblay...get a grip and chuckle. We [A-mer-ican-s] make worst jokes about Aussies. Laughing

_________________
I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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Tremblay
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Oct 08, 2007
Posts: 1577
Location: Malta, Montana

PostPosted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 1:55 pm    Post subject: Re: Australian Tourism Reply with quote

It was just a Poke

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Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. - Mark Twain
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gelandangan
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 07, 2006
Posts: 5760
Location: Sydney Australia

PostPosted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 2:02 pm    Post subject: Re: Australian Tourism Reply with quote

Well come on downnnnn !!!!

_________________
A straight line is the shortest distance between two points.
A smile is the shortest distance between two people.

The government I trust .. is my .45-70 Government.

Do - Not try!


gelandangan.weebly.com/
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Tremblay
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Oct 08, 2007
Posts: 1577
Location: Malta, Montana

PostPosted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 4:44 pm    Post subject: Re: Australian Tourism Reply with quote

gelandangan wrote:
Well come on downnnnn !!!!

Boy I would give my right arm to come down

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Bushmaster
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10327
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 6:10 pm    Post subject: Re: Australian Tourism Reply with quote

I know that, Tremblay...

I almost made it to Sydney. My ship was just 10 miles off shore when we were told to reroute to American Samoa

_________________
I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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