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The aging me, agrees with this.
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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dhc4ever
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 26, 2011
Posts: 2223
Location: Ipswich, Queensland Australia

PostPosted: Wed Jun 03, 2015 2:08 am    Post subject: The aging me, agrees with this. Reply with quote

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice!!!

I don't have grey hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that
second week.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no"
which is shorter than "yes" .

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down,
I'll remember it."

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes;
come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can and the friends to post my bail
when I finally snap!

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a
piece of paper.

When did it change from "We the people" to "Screw the people" ?

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me
to someone I can't understand anyway?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what
I came in there for.

_________________
Pete

Dont do anything you wont like explaining to the paramedics..............
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Elvis
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jul 27, 2008
Posts: 6800
Location: south island New Zealand

PostPosted: Wed Jun 03, 2015 2:44 am    Post subject: Re: The aging me, agrees with this. Reply with quote

hey...I resemble some of those remarks!!!!

_________________
You shot it You pluck it !
Them who eats the most duck eats the most feathers!
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Bushmaster
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10217
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Wed Jun 03, 2015 7:03 am    Post subject: Re: The aging me, agrees with this. Reply with quote

I write myself notes. Then can't remember where I put them.

_________________
I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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Vince
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 12902
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Wed Jun 03, 2015 5:57 pm    Post subject: Re: The aging me, agrees with this. Reply with quote

Bushmaster wrote:
I write myself notes. Then can't remember where I put them.

Scratch You and me both Bushy...so frustrating. Sad burr

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)

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lesterg3
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Nov 30, 2008
Posts: 1235
Location: Dixie

PostPosted: Thu Jun 04, 2015 3:43 am    Post subject: Re: The aging me, agrees with this. Reply with quote

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. .

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

_________________
"A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where fifty-one percent of the people may take away the rights of the other forty-nine. "--Thomas Jefferson

The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. -- Thomas Jefferson

"Americans have the right and advantage of being armed - unlike the citizens of other countries whose governments are afraid to trust the people with arms."--James Madison

NRA Life Member
Vietnam War Vet 68-69
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