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Questions asked about Canada ...
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Dimitri
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Joined: Nov 25, 2005
Posts: 5906
Location: Southern Ontario

PostPosted: Fri Oct 26, 2007 8:39 pm    Post subject: Questions asked about Canada ... Reply with quote

As you know, Vancouver will host the 2010 Winter Olympics.

Here are some questions people from all over the world are asking.

Believe it or not, these questions about Canada were posted on an
International Tourism Website.
Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants
grow? (England)

A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and
watch them die.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)

A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the
Railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to
contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)

A: Let's not touch this one.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England)

A: What, did your last slave die?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.

Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the
hippo racing is every Tuesday night
in Calgary. Come naked.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada?(England)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, right after the hippo races. Come naked.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)

A: No, WE don't stink.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you sell it in Canada? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)

A: Only at Thanksgiving.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA )

A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

------------------------
------------------------

Dimitri

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A thousand hills, but no birds in flight, ten thousand paths, with no people's tracks. A lonely boat, a straw-hatted old man, fishing alone in the cold river snow.
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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 13021
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Fri Oct 26, 2007 10:57 pm    Post subject: Re: Questions asked about Canada ... Reply with quote

Good one 'Mitri. We had similar type ridiculous questions asked about Australia prior to the Olympic Games in Sydney.
Things like..."Do kangaroos roam the streets and are they dangerous?"

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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Bushmaster
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10262
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 6:44 am    Post subject: Re: Questions asked about Canada ... Reply with quote

Yes...We know...You Aussies have always been hard to understand. Like swagmen around a billibong. And who the hell is Matilda??? Is she really good at waltzin'??

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I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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Dimitri
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Joined: Nov 25, 2005
Posts: 5906
Location: Southern Ontario

PostPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 7:10 am    Post subject: Re: Questions asked about Canada ... Reply with quote

Vince,

Everyone knows that in Canada we are all eskimo's that living in igloo's, wearing fur garments made out of bison hides and hunt seals, moose and bison to survive cause we don't got anything else to eat. And the weather is never above freezing, we just have 2 seasons "very cold winter" and "winter" so there is always snow on the ground for our buddies who think they can come in July to go skiing. wtf

Here is my igloo. wtf



As you can see its more of the traditional Canadian Freezing cold design, and I even got some ice sculptures to make it look better. ROFL :rofl2:

Dimitri

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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 13021
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 11:49 pm    Post subject: Re: Questions asked about Canada ... Reply with quote

Bushmaster wrote:
Yes...We know...You Aussies have always been hard to understand. Like swagmen around a billibong. And who the hell is Matilda??? Is she really good at waltzin'??

Laughing Laughing Laughing

Gidday Bushy. Fair dinkum cobber....that particular song has people confused all around the world.

Now how do I approach this....are you dinki di, do you seriously not understand it, or are you just takin' the mickey outa me....pullin' me leg?

This is the ridgie didge meaning of the terms you mentioned:

swaggie./ swagman..someone who travelled the countryside looking for casual work and handouts, owning only a billy, clothes and his swag, ( as in the traditional song "Waltzing Matilda".....once a jolly swagman, camped by the billabong..) A swaggie is mostly "on the Wallaby track".

billabong...waterhole, offshoot of river

Matilda.....old term for a swag, bedroll ( as in "waltzing your Matilda" )

This link is not a complete listing of aussie slang or colloquialisms, but it will give you a bit of an idea about our terms.

Aussie Sayings and Slang Terms

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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Pumpkinslinger
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Joined: Sep 22, 2007
Posts: 4385
Location: NC foothills

PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 9:05 am    Post subject: Re: Questions asked about Canada ... Reply with quote

Wow, and I thought them Yankees from New York City talked funny...

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Mike

"I ain't no better than anyone else, and there ain't no one better than me!" Ma Kettle

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Bushmaster
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10262
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 9:20 am    Post subject: Re: Questions asked about Canada ... Reply with quote

And here you are...In North Carolina and you talk about talkin' funny.. ROFL Hiding

_________________
I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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A17Shooter
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Joined: Jan 26, 2005
Posts: 323
Location: California Foothills (Gold Country)

PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 11:18 am    Post subject: Re: Questions asked about Canada ... Reply with quote

To paraphrase an old saying.

The United States and the Commonwealth - a slew of countries separated by a common language!

When my ship made a port visit in Sydney, we were particularly cautioned about the Aussie phrase, "Knock me up". It seems that the U.S. translation and the Aussie, are quite different. We were told that in Australia it meant "Call me on the telephone.". Of course some of the ship's complement had to try it out.

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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 13021
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 6:57 pm    Post subject: Re: Questions asked about Canada ... Reply with quote

A17Shooter wrote:
When my ship made a port visit in Sydney, we were particularly cautioned about the Aussie phrase, "Knock me up". It seems that the U.S. translation and the Aussie, are quite different. We were told that in Australia it meant "Call me on the telephone.". Of course some of the ship's complement had to try it out.

Gidday mate. When applied to the female of the species I would imagine that the phrase "Knock me up" means exactly the same here as it does over there.

Now to call someone on the Dog and Bone (phone) you would be saying:

give us a bell, phone me up, give us a tingle...but certainly not Knock me Up. Surprised

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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Dimitri
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Joined: Nov 25, 2005
Posts: 5906
Location: Southern Ontario

PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 7:00 pm    Post subject: Re: Questions asked about Canada ... Reply with quote

Well a girl saying she wants you to "knock her up" (get her pregnant) here is a pretty good way to make the guy RUN! not walk away. Laughing

Dimitri

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A17Shooter
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Joined: Jan 26, 2005
Posts: 323
Location: California Foothills (Gold Country)

PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 7:23 pm    Post subject: Re: Questions asked about Canada ... Reply with quote

Vince wrote:

Gidday mate. When applied to the female of the species I would imagine that the phrase "Knock me up" means exactly the same here as it does over there.

Now to call someone on the Dog and Bone (phone) you would be saying:

give us a bell, phone me up, give us a tingle...but certainly not Knock me Up. Surprised

Cheers, Vince

Well, that's the life of a sailor. Somebody's always trying to take advantage of them by feeding them bum dope. It's hard for a poor young squid to understand the chicanery that some people use to beat him out of his money or strip him of his strict moral code. Tsk, tsk, the shame of it all. Evil or Very Mad

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A17Shooter
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tracker
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Joined: Nov 08, 2006
Posts: 1175
Location: Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2007 8:26 am    Post subject: Re: Questions asked about Canada ... Reply with quote

I've seen that one before Big D, I think it's awesome. Have you had to expalin to people yet about the high cost of air conditioning in the not quite as cold season, because we need to keep them blasting to stop our houses from melting?

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Dimitri
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Joined: Nov 25, 2005
Posts: 5906
Location: Southern Ontario

PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2007 2:21 pm    Post subject: Re: Questions asked about Canada ... Reply with quote

Tracker,

Never had to explain that could be because etheir:

1) All the American's I've met in person were in Canada and knew better.
2) All the American's I havn't met in person know alittle something about the world (like the forum members here ;))

Dimitri

_________________
A thousand hills, but no birds in flight, ten thousand paths, with no people's tracks. A lonely boat, a straw-hatted old man, fishing alone in the cold river snow.
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Bushmaster
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10262
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2007 2:37 pm    Post subject: Re: Questions asked about Canada ... Reply with quote

Ya mean you don't have to have air-conditioning to keep them frozen? Well I'll be damned... Very Happy

That explains why I don't see any window units. Let alone windows...

_________________
I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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bigdeano88
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Joined: Aug 23, 2007
Posts: 27

PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2007 4:30 pm    Post subject: Re: Questions asked about Canada ... Reply with quote

I say we put another shrimp on the barbie before we go seal hunting with mitri, that way we get the best of both worlds!
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