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Oil Change Instructions for Women and Men.
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Dimitri
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Joined: Nov 25, 2005
Posts: 5906
Location: Southern Ontario

PostPosted: Sat May 22, 2010 11:41 am    Post subject: Oil Change Instructions for Women and Men. Reply with quote

Oil change directions for women
Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
Drink a cup of coffee.
15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
  • Oil Change - $20.00
  • Coffee - $1.00
  • Total - $21.00.


Oil Change instructions for Men:
Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree.
Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
Open a beer and drink it.
Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. (Luckily most of us can skip this step)
Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
Give up and use crescent wrench.
Unscrew drain plug.
Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
Clean up mess.
Have another beer while watching oil drain.
Look for oil filter wrench.
Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
Beer.
Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during the last step.
Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
Remember that you forgot to put the drain plug back in.
Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
Drink beer.
Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
Drink beer.
Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
Bang head on floorboards in reaction to the last step.
Begin cussing fit.
Throw wrench.
Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992 in the left boob.
Beer.
Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
Beer.
Beer.
Dump in fifteen fresh quarts of oil.
Beer.
Lower truck from jack stands.
Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during the process.
Beer.
Test drive truck.
Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
Truck gets impounded.
Make bail.
Get truck from impound yard.
Money spent:
  • Parts - $50.00
  • DUI - $2500.00
  • Impound fee - $75.00
  • Bail - $1500.00
  • Beer - $25.00
  • Total = $4150.00
But you know the job was done right!

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A thousand hills, but no birds in flight, ten thousand paths, with no people's tracks. A lonely boat, a straw-hatted old man, fishing alone in the cold river snow.
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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 12903
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Sat May 22, 2010 7:34 pm    Post subject: Re: Oil Change Instructions for Women and Men. Reply with quote

Damn 'Mitri....you channellin' me mate....that sounds almost exactly like my oil changes.

Hey, that reminds me...got two to do this weekend, my car and my daughter's car. One day I'll work out how to change the oil in my Volvo 960's transmission too. Very Happy Very Happy Razz

Cheers, Vince

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Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)

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Dimitri
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Joined: Nov 25, 2005
Posts: 5906
Location: Southern Ontario

PostPosted: Sat May 22, 2010 7:57 pm    Post subject: Re: Oil Change Instructions for Women and Men. Reply with quote

Vince,

I got a idea.

7/16" Drill Bit.
1/4 NPT Tap.
1/4 NPT Plug (2 required).

No figuring it out required. Laughing

Dimitri

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A thousand hills, but no birds in flight, ten thousand paths, with no people's tracks. A lonely boat, a straw-hatted old man, fishing alone in the cold river snow.
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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 12903
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Sat May 22, 2010 8:12 pm    Post subject: Re: Oil Change Instructions for Women and Men. Reply with quote

Problem with this trans is Volvo say it is a workshop job to change the oil...at $125 per change.

All I have to work out is how to get the oil trough the trans and its pump...and the oil cooler...and make sure that I have nice clean oil in everything...it holds about 9 litres. There is no filler pipe or dipstick cause you don't check the oil level...just a plug to connect up the pressure pump, which I don't have of course.

I'll work it out...probably drop the oil through the return pipe from the oil cooler connection, drop the trans cover, clean the filter, refill the trans then start the motor, catching the oil from the oil return pipe till I have clean oil coming through...topping up as I go of course.

Cheers, Vince

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Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)

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Dimitri
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Joined: Nov 25, 2005
Posts: 5906
Location: Southern Ontario

PostPosted: Sun May 23, 2010 4:12 am    Post subject: Re: Oil Change Instructions for Women and Men. Reply with quote

Vince,

I was trying to joke about making a new drainage and fill up port using the plugs. Laughing

None the less Volvo's are not meant to have their ATF changed I thought. But check your PM's might help.

Dimitri

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RePete
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Joined: Aug 15, 2005
Posts: 755

PostPosted: Sun May 23, 2010 6:29 am    Post subject: Re: Oil Change Instructions for Women and Men. Reply with quote

Dimitri wrote:
Vince,

I was trying to joke about making a new drainage and fill up port using the plugs. Laughing

None the less Volvo's are not meant to have their ATF changed I thought. But check your PM's might help.

Dimitri

Nah, they are but it's a dealer job.

The tranny is sealed and you need a pump to remove the fluid.

That being said, if the existing fluid is good, no burnt toast smell. thentake all the bolts from the pan - except the 4 corners, just loosen them - pry the pan from the body (catch pan under the corner) and let the fluid drain, thenremove 2 bolts - let more fluid drain - remove pan and remove filter. Reassemble using new parts. Add 4 litres of ATF start car (level ground) and run until warm , check ad add fluid as required. Take for a spin and recheck level upon return.

Hope this helps.

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Stercus Accidit = Sh*t Happens in Latin.

Nice try = You Suck spelled different.

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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 12903
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Sun May 23, 2010 8:08 pm    Post subject: Re: Oil Change Instructions for Women and Men. Reply with quote

Thanks Pete...that is a good idea. I have read somewhere...still trying to remember where...that you drain the oil, change/clean the filter and leave the return hose from the cooler off and catch the old oil till it comes through clean.

I'll work it out or bite the bullet and pay them to do it for me.

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)

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radar
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Joined: Oct 01, 2008
Posts: 1082
Location: North Island New Zealand

PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2010 1:25 am    Post subject: Re: Oil Change Instructions for Women and Men. Reply with quote

Vince,
Would you let an engineer fiddle with your firearms, after all its only a mechanical device. Sometimes the best medicine is to bite the proverbial bullet and let the pros do the job.
I do however admit it's a blokes perogative to try. Just read the instructions....twice!!!

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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 12903
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2010 3:03 am    Post subject: Re: Oil Change Instructions for Women and Men. Reply with quote

Thanks for the very good advice radar, you are correct mate. I have been maintaining my cars for the past 30 years, and one thing I learned early in the piece is that if I encounter a situation I am not comfortable doing, then its off to the experts.

Although I'm not a qualified mechanic, I've worked with enough of them to have picked up a lot of good useful information and experience. I really enjoy working on cars and motorcycles. I kept my old Volvo alive for 400,000 km before selling it (the guy that bought it reckons it was better than his later model one), and I have totally rebuilt both of my motorcycles and kept them running well...one is a 1968 Bultaco Sherpa S 125cc and the other is a 1974 Bultaco Alpina 350cc. I really love doing it, its a great past-time. I even maintain my daughter's 1973 LJ Torana.

The only exceptions are these late model totally computer controlled cars....WAY out of my league mate...they are a job for the engineers.

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)

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