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Simple Duties
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Vince
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 14010
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Sat Jan 23, 2010 6:44 am    Post subject: Simple Duties Reply with quote

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played: it doesn't do any good to complain about the rules.
Simple Duties

* You make the bed (+1)
* But forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

* You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
* You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty (0)
* When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
* When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom (-2)

* You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
* In the snow (+8)
* But return with beer (-5)

* You check out a suspicious noise at night (1)
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing (0)
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+10)
* You pummel it with a six iron (+10 more)
* It's her toy poodle (-50)

Social Engagements At a Party

* You stay by her side the entire party (0)
* You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
* Named Tiffany (-5)
* Who's now a dancer (-10)
* She spends the entire time telling you about her new implants (-15)

Her Birthday

* You take her out to dinner (0)
* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
* Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
* And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted in all of the colors of your favorite sports team (-10)

Dating

* You take her to a movie (+1)
* You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
* You take her to a movie you hate (+5)
* You take her to a movie you like (-2)
* It's called DeathCop 9 (-3)
* Which features cyborgs that eat humans (-9)
* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique

* You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
* You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
* You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
* You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)

Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem

* You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
* You listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
* You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+50)
* She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-20)

The Big Question: She asks, "Do I look fat?"

* You hesitate in responding (-10)
* You reply, "Where?" (-35)
* You reply, "Compared to what?" (-50)
* Any other response (-20)

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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slots918
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Joined: Jun 28, 2008
Posts: 138

PostPosted: Sat Jan 23, 2010 10:57 am    Post subject: Re: Simple Duties Reply with quote

No wonder I'm a loser
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slimjim
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 16, 2009
Posts: 7890
Location: Fort Worth TX

PostPosted: Sat Jan 23, 2010 2:27 pm    Post subject: Re: Simple Duties Reply with quote

Ah, yes. The proverbial question for which there is no right answer!!
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metz3601
Member
Member


Joined: Oct 31, 2008
Posts: 81

PostPosted: Sat Jan 23, 2010 6:38 pm    Post subject: Re: Simple Duties Reply with quote

wait a min here.... there are way too many ways to loose points, and only a couple ways to get them.... and they all take effort.... thats not fair...
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chambered221
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Aug 17, 2007
Posts: 3455
Location: Lost for good !!!

PostPosted: Sat Jan 23, 2010 6:50 pm    Post subject: Re: Simple Duties Reply with quote

wtf You learn quick !!! Question is: What will you do with all that knowledge ???


Smart man says yes dear Bow

_________________
Ask as many people needed, sooner or later your question will be answered the way you want it answered !!!

A free people ought not only to be armed and disciplined, but they should have sufficient arms and ammunition to maintain a status of independence from any who might attempt to abuse them, which would include their own government.
~George Washington
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slimjim
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Super Member


Joined: May 16, 2009
Posts: 7890
Location: Fort Worth TX

PostPosted: Sat Jan 23, 2010 8:40 pm    Post subject: Re: Simple Duties Reply with quote

chambered221 wrote:
Smart man says yes dear :bow:

The secret to a happy marriage!
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Suzanne
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jun 27, 2009
Posts: 3311
Location: Eugene, Oregon

PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 1:04 am    Post subject: Re: Simple Duties Reply with quote

I swear Vince you've got a short memory, we've been all through this before!! The point system is set up for rewarding. The reward is at the woman's discretion, the reward is not remotely related to beer, snacks, (eating in general) TV, football, baseball, basketball, alright sports in general, hiking, voting democrat, gardening, painting, horseshoes, darts, flying, driving, swimming, surfing (sorry Bondi and Malibu), electrical maintenance, oil changing, getting a ladder and hip high rubber boots, woodworking, welding, tire changing, (I thought that was one word) re-setting the VCR, dog walking, saving the planet, cat sitting, (who wants to sit on a cat anyway) computer surfing, getting some aid for Haiti (they have enough aids) stamp collecting, shoe polishing, well I could go on and on and on and on and on and on and on, but as a woman and as always, I'm never long-winded or overstating my objectives, I'm just getting to the facts at hand and laying it on the line, as I know people round here don't like reading so much rhetoric that has nothing to do with the subject and believe me I'll always honor that with the greatest respect for a person's time and interest. Funny I was reading a book the other day from a guy that has a web site, the book is called Mentallly Incontinent it's pretty funny, his web address is HERE...where was I............oh yeah the reward.....for gettin points...well.... we'll be nice silly!


Harumphing
Suz

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May the moon keep you centered,
May the sun keep you dancing,
And the stars shed light on your dreams.
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Vince
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 14010
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 5:31 am    Post subject: Re: Simple Duties Reply with quote

Haha Haha Haha

I love the way you soliloquise Suz...it is magnificent, and as usual straight to the point and pertinent...not to mention a bombastic display of eloquence.

You are totally correct when you say the point system is set up for rewarding and at the woman's discretion...even rewarding our indiscretions on occasion, albeit with silence or ignoring our existence (which some would claim to be a reward of sorts).

I will continue to do as I'm told by She Who Must Be Obeyed, lest I find myself being handed my butt in a sling.

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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Bushmaster
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10695
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 11:12 am    Post subject: Re: Simple Duties Reply with quote

I got a +2...(?) What do I get?

_________________
I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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TRBLSHTR
Super Member
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Joined: Mar 23, 2007
Posts: 1071
Location: Lower 48's-left coast(near portlandia)

PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 12:31 pm    Post subject: Re: Simple Duties Reply with quote

Very Happy HA ha;I'm up by 1000 points by my estimation......................just got rid of my controller yesterday!.....................never feed a stray,they will follow you home and not want to leave! wtf

_________________
"Tolerance becomes a crime when applied to evil." Thomas Mann
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gelandangan
Super Member
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Joined: May 07, 2006
Posts: 5969
Location: Sydney Australia

PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 3:44 pm    Post subject: Re: Simple Duties Reply with quote

- 4570 !!

_________________
A straight line is the shortest distance between two points.
A smile is the shortest distance between two people.

The government I trust .. is my .45-70 Government.

Do - Not try!


gelandangan.weebly.com/
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Pumpkinslinger
Super Member
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Joined: Sep 22, 2007
Posts: 4554
Location: NC foothills

PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 5:32 pm    Post subject: Re: Simple Duties Reply with quote

I learned long ago that it its possible to sum up the way to keep a woman happy in two words...

YOU CAN'T!

_________________
Mike

"I ain't no better than anyone else, and there ain't no one better than me!" Ma Kettle

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slimjim
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 16, 2009
Posts: 7890
Location: Fort Worth TX

PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 6:56 pm    Post subject: Re: Simple Duties Reply with quote

Pumpkinslinger wrote:
the way to keep a woman happy in two words ... YOU CAN'T!

Pumpkinslinger, now that's just not fair. You can't stop trying.
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Suzanne
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jun 27, 2009
Posts: 3311
Location: Eugene, Oregon

PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 10:33 pm    Post subject: Re: Simple Duties Reply with quote

Bushy!! you made the bed twice! Good fer you! Or was it that you maid the bed twice? Well either case you should get a reward. Maybe you should be able to wash the dishes or some other nice reward.




smartypantz
Suz

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May the sun keep you dancing,
And the stars shed light on your dreams.
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Pumpkinslinger
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Super Member


Joined: Sep 22, 2007
Posts: 4554
Location: NC foothills

PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 11:55 pm    Post subject: Re: Simple Duties Reply with quote

Slim, I didn't say I stopped trying, just that it is impossible.

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Mike

"I ain't no better than anyone else, and there ain't no one better than me!" Ma Kettle

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