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Chilli - this is a cracker!
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
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Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Wed Aug 19, 2009 4:57 am    Post subject: Chilli - this is a cracker! Reply with quote

WARNING : ONLY Read This Once You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.



Hysterics might set in. The writer of this piece paints a very vivid picture... funny stuff.

You will laugh - guaranteed! ENJOY!!
I went to Bunnings Hardware store recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off. Flame

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.


Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings Hardware store, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time..

The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. Shocked Fart Evil or Very Mad

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Confused

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. Mad

This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Laughing .......BIG mistake!!!!! Shocked Shocked Shocked

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Sniper

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilets, laying down a noxious cloud the whole way, Pistol Shooting praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.


Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. wtf
He made a gagging sound, Yuck and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.


Once finished and I left the toilet, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'


My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. Cool Surprised The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', Jaw Drop Yuck then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Mad

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. Razz The next day I went to shop at Woolworths Supermarket. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.


Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store. Mad


Cheers, Vince

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Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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stovepipe
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 19, 2009 9:13 am    Post subject: Re: Chilli - this is a cracker! Reply with quote

Laughing ....gotta repaint the store... Laughing
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chambered221
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 19, 2009 9:24 am    Post subject: Re: Chilli - this is a cracker! Reply with quote

wtf What’s the matter Stovey !!! This one not make ya hungry ??? Must have had your lunch already!!! Laughing

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metz3601
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 19, 2009 10:10 am    Post subject: Re: Chilli - this is a cracker! Reply with quote

mmmmm..... i could go for a nice hot bowl of chili right about now.... let some of these *explicitiave deleted* people i work with have a little taste of the demon....
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stovepipe
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 19, 2009 10:59 am    Post subject: Re: Chilli - this is a cracker! Reply with quote

chambered221 wrote:
:wtf: What’s the matter Stovey !!! This one not make ya hungry ??? Must have had your lunch already!!! Laughing

Chili and onions with shredded sharp cheddar and some Tapatilo sounds great right about now. Very Happy
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gelandangan
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 19, 2009 4:13 pm    Post subject: Re: Chilli - this is a cracker! Reply with quote

Oh Chilli Love YUMMY !!! Very Happy Very Happy

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stovepipe
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 7:31 am    Post subject: Re: Chilli - this is a cracker! Reply with quote

I'm currently waiting on a very large crock-pot of homemade chili whisking it's way to my desk as we speak.

Fixin's are coming too.

It's 7:30 AM here and a few bowls of this oughtta hit the spot. Very Happy

If ya don't hear from me for a while, I'm sleeping it off. Razz
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chambered221
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 10:27 am    Post subject: Re: Chilli - this is a cracker! Reply with quote

Hmmm!!! Maybe I should grind up some of that their deer meat......deer chili......Yea!!! That ought ta hit the spot !!!


Fresh deer chili and a cold one !!! anyone else got a better idea ??? Very Happy

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Ask as many people needed, sooner or later your question will be answered the way you want it answered !!!

A free people ought not only to be armed and disciplined, but they should have sufficient arms and ammunition to maintain a status of independence from any who might attempt to abuse them, which would include their own government.
~George Washington
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stovepipe
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 11:04 am    Post subject: Re: Chilli - this is a cracker! Reply with quote

I'm stuffed.

3 bowls of this stuff, piled high with onions, sauce, corn chips etc....

But I can't find my spoon. Shocked

Oh man, I hope I didn't eat it... Mad

*buurrrrp!*

Nap time..... zzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz
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Vince
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 20, 2009 9:26 pm    Post subject: Re: Chilli - this is a cracker! Reply with quote

Maybe tha chilli dissolved ya spoon Stoves. Laughing

Cheers, Vince

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Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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stovepipe
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 5:55 am    Post subject: Re: Chilli - this is a cracker! Reply with quote

For my sake I hope you are right! Very Happy
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Dimitri
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 7:36 am    Post subject: Re: Chilli - this is a cracker! Reply with quote

Humm,

1 can "Dynamite" Chili ....... check
1/2 cup Jalapeno peppers .. check
Some JD Whiskey ............. check

And that is breakfast today. Thanks for the inspiration. Laughing

Dimitri

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Vince
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 7:46 pm    Post subject: Re: Chilli - this is a cracker! Reply with quote

Now that is a pretty awesome breakfast 'Mitri.

Good luck with the rest of the day mate....I think those around you are gonna need it. Fart Yuck Yuck

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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Dimitri
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Joined: Nov 25, 2005
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Location: Southern Ontario

PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 6:42 am    Post subject: Re: Chilli - this is a cracker! Reply with quote

No one ended up complaining. Laughing

Dimitri

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