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Attorneys
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Weinbender
Member
Member


Joined: Sep 13, 2007
Posts: 226
Location: Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 9:47 am    Post subject: Attorneys Reply with quote

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. ___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? _________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid! ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? _________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

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"If it dont kick like a mule, it aint worth shooting"
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Pumpkinslinger
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Sep 22, 2007
Posts: 4455
Location: NC foothills

PostPosted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 7:18 pm    Post subject: Re: Attorneys Reply with quote

What do you call 2,000 lawyers on a sinking cruise ship?


A GOOD START!

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Mike

"I ain't no better than anyone else, and there ain't no one better than me!" Ma Kettle

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Vince
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 13420
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 11:17 pm    Post subject: Re: Attorneys Reply with quote

Ah..."Bottom Feeders"...ya gotta love 'em. They make the rest of us look sane and normal.

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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scalerman
Rookie Member
Rookie Member


Joined: Jun 24, 2008
Posts: 11

PostPosted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 3:18 am    Post subject: Re: Attorneys Reply with quote

It has been said that the corner of Portage and Main in Winnipeg Manitoba is the coldest street corner in Canada- I believe that to be true- I saw a lawyer with his hands on his own pockets.
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Weinbender
Member
Member


Joined: Sep 13, 2007
Posts: 226
Location: Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 9:40 pm    Post subject: Re: Attorneys Reply with quote

scalerman wrote:
It has been said that the corner of Portage and Main in Winnipeg Manitoba is the coldest street corner in Canada- I believe that to be true- I saw a lawyer with his hands on his own pockets.

That is good, i know that place!!! ....um im not a lawyer tho....

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"If it dont kick like a mule, it aint worth shooting"
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RePete
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Aug 15, 2005
Posts: 798

PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 5:23 am    Post subject: Re: Attorneys Reply with quote

How can you tell when a lawyer is telling the truth?

His lips are moving.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp?

One's a bottom dwelling scum sucker and the other's a fish.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the definition of a lawyer?

Go to the dictionary and lookup lawyer and it say's see used car salesman. Lookup used car salesman and it say's see liar. Lookup liar and it say's see lawyer.

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Proud member of the WTFDTSG Club.

Stercus Accidit = Sh*t Happens in Latin.

Nice try = You Suck spelled different.
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whittling
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Apr 21, 2008
Posts: 586
Location: Texas (home state is Mass)

PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 6:09 am    Post subject: Re: Attorneys Reply with quote

A lawyer said to his friend "I had a bad day today ... I followed a Ambulance for 12 miles only to find 3 other lawyers hanging off the ambulance!!! Very Happy Very Happy Smile Cool Laughing

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Molon labe!
Service, honor and courage, without these a warrior is nothing.
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