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Grandma in court
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 13609
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 9:51 pm    Post subject: Grandma in court Reply with quote

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippigrandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Cheers, Vince

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Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
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Bushmaster
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10553
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 9:15 am    Post subject: Re: Grandma in court Reply with quote

Ain't that the truth... ROFL

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DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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tracker
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Joined: Nov 08, 2006
Posts: 1175
Location: Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 10:27 am    Post subject: Re: Grandma in court Reply with quote

too good Vince, you've surpassed yourself again ROFL ROFL

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Weinbender
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Joined: Sep 13, 2007
Posts: 226
Location: Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 2:42 pm    Post subject: Re: Grandma in court Reply with quote

tracker wrote:
too good Vince, you've surpassed yourself again ROFL ROFL

I am with ya tracker! Very Happy Very Happy

i got to visit Australia if all aussies are as funny as vince i am staying over there! Haha

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Bushmaster
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
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Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 3:10 pm    Post subject: Re: Grandma in court Reply with quote

Weinbender...I have had the privilege of drinkin' the night away with Australian Sailors in various ports in the Pacific...As they pick on you they pick on themselves. They are a riot when a bit tippsy (The most common phrase I heard was "Ah com'on mate. play the game.). In a tight when the SHTF. They are too busy trying to be the first one to hit someone. I had a hell of a time getting a fist in edgewise. They wouldn't let me in front...I would pass the time, drink or fight with them on my side anytime...Real Good People...The best.

Now that's how you kiss up to Vince and Gelandangan. Yup...That ought to do it... ROFL

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DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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tracker
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 4:33 pm    Post subject: Re: Grandma in court Reply with quote

Well Weinbender that depends...do you mean as funny as Vince? or as "funny" as Vince?

and Bushmaster that was one dam fine job of kissin' up to Vince and Gelandangan, you should be ok for going back to picking on them for about 6 more months now, lol

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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
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Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 5:37 pm    Post subject: Re: Grandma in court Reply with quote

Bushmaster wrote:
Now that's how you kiss up to Vince and Gelandangan. Yup...That ought to do it... ROFL

Trackster wrote:
Well Weinbender that depends...do you mean as funny as Vince? or as "funny" as Vince?

and Bushmaster that was one dam fine job of kissin' up to Vince and Gelandangan, you should be ok for going back to picking on them for about 6 more months now, lol

You guys are a scream. Bushy has it totally correct. Aussies are real down to earth people. Most I know would give you their butt and excrete through their ribs...if you deserve it. Also, if you can't laugh at yourself, you have no right to laugh at someone else. Very Happy

TrackedyTrack...me...funny...I sure hope so. Nothing better than making a mate or mates laugh. Good for the soul. (Notice how I discreetly and efficiently skirted around the second "funny" Laughing Laughing )

Cheers, Vince

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Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
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tracker
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 8:18 pm    Post subject: Re: Grandma in court Reply with quote

yes sir, I noticed that, once again your literary prowess is nothing less than astonishing. Actually, I was pretty sure you'd laugh at it my friend.

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tracker
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 8:18 pm    Post subject: Re: Grandma in court Reply with quote

trackedytrack? wtf oookayyy..... Very Happy Very Happy

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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 10:23 pm    Post subject: Re: Grandma in court Reply with quote

tracker wrote:
yes sir, I noticed that, once again your literary prowess is nothing less than astonishing. Actually, I was pretty sure you'd laugh at it my friend.

Laugh...mate, I ain't laughed so hard since Granny got her b@@bs caught in the mangle. Laughing ROFL

tracker wrote:
trackedytrack? oookayyy.....

Yeah, not sure where that came from...just appeared on the screen. Time to get my fingers zeroed again I think...either that or I was thinking of something else at the time. Got a couple of "interesting" things on my mind at the moment. Very Happy Smile

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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Bushmaster
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10553
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 10:37 pm    Post subject: Re: Grandma in court Reply with quote

Does Tracker know what a mangle is???

_________________
I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 10:47 pm    Post subject: Re: Grandma in court Reply with quote

Bushmaster wrote:
Does Tracker know what a mangle is???

Hm, good question Bushy.

Hey Trackster...a mangle is a wringer found on an old syle washing machine. You know...two rollers that you put your wet clothes through to squeeeeeeze the water out before hanging them on the clothes line.

He does now mate. Very Happy Very Happy Laughing :lol:

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 13609
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 10:49 pm    Post subject: Re: Grandma in court Reply with quote

Bushmaster wrote:
Does Tracker know what a mangle is???

Hm, good question Bushy.

Hey Trackster...a mangle is a wringer found on an old syle washing machine. You know...two rollers that you put your wet clothes through to squeeeeeeze the water out before hanging them on the clothes line.

He does now mate. Very Happy Very Happy Laughing :lol:

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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gelandangan
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Joined: May 07, 2006
Posts: 5864
Location: Sydney Australia

PostPosted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 11:58 pm    Post subject: Re: Grandma in court Reply with quote

you have stuttering finger again Vince? Very Happy

Poor ganny. that musta hurts like Bl00dyh3ll .. got me finger caught on one of those before.. YIKES!!

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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 13609
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 22, 2007 12:42 am    Post subject: Re: Grandma in court Reply with quote

Yep...spent too much time looking at a picture I sent to Bushy mate. Embarassed

You have to be real careful of the old mangle mate...thems nasty buggers.
Very Happy Laughing Laughing

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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