Whereas, the aggrieved party (husband) and the aggrieving party (wife) have been involved in a long standing dispute, and whereas weâ€™re tired of arguing over this stuff all the time, and whereas if youâ€™d just listen to me youâ€™d see that Iâ€™m right,
Therefore come the parties together in a post-nuptial agreement, which I expect you to sign and then thereâ€™s no need for further discussion.
Clause One: Whereas, there is one correct way to arrange the furniture in the living room, and whereas the husbandâ€™s back is still sore from last weekend when, after moving the chair into the corner for about half an hour, the wife made him carry it back to where it was in the first place, it is now understood by both parties that the furniture is in the correct arrangement. There is no need ever to move it again.
Clause Two: It seems like the husband just got the Christmas decorations put up and now you want them taken down! So the wife should make up her mind. If the house looks pretty with lights on it, why not leave them up for awhile? The same is true for Halloween decorations, and no, I do not think it looks silly to have the scarecrow out there next to Santa Claus. I think it looks festive.
Clause Three: The wife shouldnâ€™t tell the husband that she is fat and then get all upset when he suggests ways to lose weight. The husband is just trying to help, for Peteâ€™s sake! And for the record, the husband did NOT say you were fat! YOU said you were fat. All I did was fail to disagree forcefully enough!
Clause Four: Whereas the wife already has like thirty-two thousand pairs of shoes, thatâ€™s enough. The wife should stop buying clothes for which she doesnâ€™t have appropriate shoes.
Clause Five: The wife is allowed one â€œfavorite partâ€ of each movie, and thatâ€™s it. You canâ€™t keep saying â€œThis is my favorite partâ€ in the same movie. And stop asking me what my favorite part is, because the answer is â€œnone.â€ I wanted to watch Die Hard again!
Clause Six: Speaking of movies, for every movie with subtitles that the wife wants to see, the husband is allowed one movie in which there are car chases. And any time a man and a woman on the screen stare at each other without speaking for more than a minute because theyâ€™re in love but canâ€™t bear to talk about it for some reason, the husband is allowed to leave the room.
Clause Seven: Whereas, the wife has made abundant and repeated reference to the supposed â€œproperâ€ position of the toilet seat lid, and whereas there is no such stated position in the ownerâ€™s manual, and whereas the family dog needs to be able to get water, for crying out loud, the debate about the toilet seat lid is now over and the subject need never be mentioned again, ever.
Clause Eight: The thermostat is not a toy. The wife has lost her thermostat privileges. From now on, the thermostat will be turned up only on days when the husband is cold.
Clause Nine: The wife may not cut her hair and then wait for the husband to notice it and then get mad when he doesnâ€™t. And THEN get mad when he doesnâ€™t like the hair cut! Doesnâ€™t it make sense that if I notice you got your hair cut, Iâ€™m not going to like it?
Clause Ten: It is entirely inappropriate to wake someone up to tell him he is snoring. Whatâ€™s he supposed to do about it when heâ€™s AWAKE? And thereâ€™s no concrete evidence that I snore, anyway. I think you faked that tape recording. If you believe I may be snoring, the proper action is to make sure I am entirely comfortable, and then maybe Iâ€™ll stop. Instead of digging an elbow into my ribs, try fluffing up my pillow.
Therefore, since the wife is locked in the bedroom and refuses to come out and sign this contract, it is deemed automatically in effect, so now thereâ€™s nothing more to argue about. Whatâ€™s for dinner?
A straight line is the shortest distance between two points.
A smile is the shortest distance between two people.
The government I trust .. is my .45-70 Government.
Do - Not try!