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2006 on the Computer .. a Recap
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 13021
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 1:07 am    Post subject: 2006 on the Computer .. a Recap Reply with quote

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. God only knows what it will do to my insides!

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face . disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us...I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. Lice from 50 monkeys will infest your armpits and other private areas, causing such itching you will not be allowed to be in mixed company, because of your rude scratching patterns, I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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1895ss
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Joined: Jul 21, 2005
Posts: 2613
Location: West of Here!!

PostPosted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 1:20 am    Post subject: Re: 2006 on the Computer .. a Recap Reply with quote

Haha Haha Haha Vince, you must lead a dull life now............ Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

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'Tis far better to walk alone than to follow a crowd or an a**hole going the wrong way.
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Bushmaster
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10262
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 8:18 am    Post subject: Re: 2006 on the Computer .. a Recap Reply with quote

Hand on my mouse? Heck no...I have it elsewhere...

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I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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sniper
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Joined: Aug 18, 2005
Posts: 735
Location: Utah

PostPosted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 10:37 am    Post subject: Re: 2006 on the Computer .. a Recap Reply with quote

ROFL MOUSE? Izzat what they're calling it now?
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Bushmaster
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
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Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 11:04 am    Post subject: Re: 2006 on the Computer .. a Recap Reply with quote

I will not pursue this any farther. wtf

See what you started Vince....I hope you're happy now... Mad

_________________
I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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1895ss
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Joined: Jul 21, 2005
Posts: 2613
Location: West of Here!!

PostPosted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 11:11 am    Post subject: Re: 2006 on the Computer .. a Recap Reply with quote

Oh I think Vince really enjoys starting these things, especially when he can get info out of gullable guys like you. Haha Haha Haha

_________________
A cruel truth is much more desirable than a really nice lie.
'Tis far better to walk alone than to follow a crowd or an a**hole going the wrong way.
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yotebuster
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Joined: Oct 16, 2005
Posts: 216
Location: Georgia

PostPosted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 11:19 am    Post subject: Re: 2006 on the Computer .. a Recap Reply with quote

Gentlemen, gentlemen,...........please. TMI, TMI. LMAO
Yotebuster Shocked Very Happy Shocked Very Happy Shocked Very Happy [b]

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May all your Bloodtrails be Vertical!
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Bushmaster
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10262
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 11:37 am    Post subject: Re: 2006 on the Computer .. a Recap Reply with quote

You keep out of this Yotebuster...

Now where was I? Oh yeah...Insulting 1895ss............................If I go any farther into this Dallan will bleep me. Boy...You sure are lucky I don't want to pi$$ off Dallan...Let's see...I wonder if I can get this past him. 1895ss have you ever read of the book "Yellow River" by I. P. Freely???

_________________
I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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1895ss
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Joined: Jul 21, 2005
Posts: 2613
Location: West of Here!!

PostPosted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 12:29 pm    Post subject: Re: 2006 on the Computer .. a Recap Reply with quote

Nope can't say that I have, but I have heard of the book "Rusty Bedsprings" by I.P. Nightly. I think they're related. Haha

_________________
A cruel truth is much more desirable than a really nice lie.
'Tis far better to walk alone than to follow a crowd or an a**hole going the wrong way.
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Bushmaster
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10262
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 3:13 pm    Post subject: Re: 2006 on the Computer .. a Recap Reply with quote

Yup...And how about "50 yard dash (to the outhouse)" by Willy Makeit. Illistrated by Betty Won't...

All good reading material...

_________________
I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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1895ss
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Joined: Jul 21, 2005
Posts: 2613
Location: West of Here!!

PostPosted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 3:33 pm    Post subject: Re: 2006 on the Computer .. a Recap Reply with quote

I assume that you have read all these novels..... ? Laughing Have you read "Falling Off a Cliff" by Eileen Dover ....?

_________________
A cruel truth is much more desirable than a really nice lie.
'Tis far better to walk alone than to follow a crowd or an a**hole going the wrong way.
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Bushmaster
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10262
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 3:37 pm    Post subject: Re: 2006 on the Computer .. a Recap Reply with quote

But of course...One must have the insight on all subjects to be able to converse with others of less intellect. Is that not so?

Also don't forget "To the Rear" by Ben Dover...Her Brother...

_________________
I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...


Last edited by Bushmaster on Wed Jan 03, 2007 3:40 pm; edited 1 time in total
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1895ss
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 3:38 pm    Post subject: Re: 2006 on the Computer .. a Recap Reply with quote

That is so........ ! I'm sure you have made many trips to the library. Laughing

_________________
A cruel truth is much more desirable than a really nice lie.
'Tis far better to walk alone than to follow a crowd or an a**hole going the wrong way.
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Bushmaster
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 3:41 pm    Post subject: Re: 2006 on the Computer .. a Recap Reply with quote

No...But I do have an extensive library here at home. I bet the last one is your favorite...

_________________
I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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1895ss
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Joined: Jul 21, 2005
Posts: 2613
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 3:43 pm    Post subject: Re: 2006 on the Computer .. a Recap Reply with quote

Nope my favorite book is "Antlers in the Tree Top" by Hue Goose "the" Moose...... ! Embarassed or "Sitting on the Beach" by Sandy Cheeks .....!

_________________
A cruel truth is much more desirable than a really nice lie.
'Tis far better to walk alone than to follow a crowd or an a**hole going the wrong way.
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