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Aussie do's and don'ts
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Daveyboy
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Joined: Jan 22, 2006
Posts: 143

PostPosted: Fri Jun 23, 2006 5:49 am    Post subject: Aussie do's and don'ts Reply with quote

IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your Ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN Ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no; it alters the taste of finger foods and it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's your responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
3. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

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Bushmaster
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10239
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Fri Jun 23, 2006 8:55 am    Post subject: Re: Aussie do's and don'ts Reply with quote

So THAT's how Vince lives...What a deal... Cheers

_________________
I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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george20042007
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Joined: Jan 27, 2006
Posts: 568
Location: Arizona

PostPosted: Fri Jun 23, 2006 11:33 am    Post subject: Re: Aussie do's and don'ts Reply with quote

Confused Too much to remember Sad
Keep it coming...
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Vince
Super Member
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 12961
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Sat Jun 24, 2006 7:33 am    Post subject: Re: Aussie do's and don'ts Reply with quote

Damn.....Daveyboy....you're giving away all our secrets mate. Laughing Laughing

There are a couple of amendments in there though mate:

1. It is acceptable to take an open stubby of beer to a job interview....so long as you have one for the interviewer. He is not required to return the shout.

2. It is permissible to take an esky to church so long as there is enough beer for the other men in the congregation and it is understood that it is someone else's shout the following week. Very Happy Very Happy

3. It is ok to use panty hose and duct tape to tow a car.....so long as the other guys wife provides the panty hose. Very Happy Very Happy

4. When sending your wife off to get petrol in a can for the car you should never NEED to ask her to bring back beer as well.....she should do it automatically. Very Happy Very Happy

Cheers, Vince

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Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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Dimitri
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Nov 25, 2005
Posts: 5906
Location: Southern Ontario

PostPosted: Sat Jun 24, 2006 7:53 am    Post subject: Re: Aussie do's and don'ts Reply with quote

Quote::
4. When sending your wife off to get petrol in a can for the car you should never NEED to ask her to bring back beer as well.....she should do it automatically. Very Happy Very Happy

Shocked Must have some good women in Australia. Shocked ROFL

Dimitri

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Vince
Super Member
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 12961
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Sat Jun 24, 2006 7:58 am    Post subject: Re: Aussie do's and don'ts Reply with quote

Dimitri wrote:
Quote::
4. When sending your wife off to get petrol in a can for the car you should never NEED to ask her to bring back beer as well.....she should do it automatically. Very Happy Very Happy

Shocked Must have some good women in Australia. Shocked ROFL

Dimitri

SOME...mate, they are all good. Most women over here enjoy a beer almost as much as the men mate.

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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Bushmaster
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10239
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Sat Jun 24, 2006 7:59 am    Post subject: Re: Aussie do's and don'ts Reply with quote

Hey!!! Mine's trained to get a case of beer every time she goes to the store for food. And she's Morman...Now THAT's training...

_________________
I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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Vince
Super Member
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 12961
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Sat Jun 24, 2006 8:02 am    Post subject: Re: Aussie do's and don'ts Reply with quote

Bushmaster wrote:
Hey!!! Mine's trained to get a case of beer every time she goes to the store for food. And she's Morman...Now THAT's training...

Bushy, I am humbled mate. To train your wife like that is...well.....I just can't put it into words mate. I bow down to my better.

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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Dimitri
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Nov 25, 2005
Posts: 5906
Location: Southern Ontario

PostPosted: Sat Jun 24, 2006 8:06 am    Post subject: Re: Aussie do's and don'ts Reply with quote

Quote::
Hey!!! Mine's trained to get a case of beer every time she goes to the store for food. And she's Morman...Now THAT's training...

Bushmaster wins this I'm going to have to admit.

Bushmaster tell us how you managed to pull that one off. Shocked

Dimitri

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Bushmaster
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10239
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Sat Jun 24, 2006 8:13 am    Post subject: Re: Aussie do's and don'ts Reply with quote

Short story??? I'm the boss? Or she let's me think I am by obeying me? She sure has me fooled...

_________________
I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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GroovyJack
Member
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Joined: May 21, 2005
Posts: 577
Location: Bama

PostPosted: Sat Jul 15, 2006 11:56 am    Post subject: Re: Aussie do's and don'ts Reply with quote

Bushy's lying .. Yeah me mate Tony in Syd sent me that one a while back ..

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ogre
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Joined: Jan 15, 2006
Posts: 79
Location: Melbourne

PostPosted: Fri Jul 21, 2006 4:22 am    Post subject: Re: Aussie do's and don'ts Reply with quote

Hi
I got it even better than bushy- marry a wog girl- they are already trained by their family- you just have to fine tune them to your tastes.

other part for me is that mines been doing ballet for 20+ years and can kick me in the head without even warming up- when I get out of line.- often.
l

ater
p
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