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A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Vince
Super Member
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 12816
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Sat Jun 27, 2015 6:10 pm    Post subject: A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN Reply with quote

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)

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PaulS
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Feb 18, 2006
Posts: 3334
Location: South-Eastern Washington - the State

PostPosted: Sat Jun 27, 2015 8:13 pm    Post subject: Re: A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN Reply with quote

I love it!

The last sentence confuses me though - unless it is referring to the danger she would face in actually attempting such a feat.

God save the Queen, indeed! No country has been foolish enough to invade our shores since the second time England tried it and got stuffed (1812).

In 1944 Japan tried to sneak in the back door (through the Alaskan islands) and was resoundingly thrashed - just like England.

We love the English (and the funny way they spell things like Aluminum (aluminium) and we like the Japanese even though they can't pronounce Robert or Rugby. We only dislike those nations that have never tried to invade us or the ones who attempt to enslave smaller less powerful nations.

Tell the Queen not to worry, we know that the English sense of humour is a bit dry - but we still know a joke when we hear one. Love ya Queeny! Live long and well, have an heir or some air or something like that - you know?

Smile

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Paul
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Speer, Lyman, Hodgdon, Sierra, and Hornady = reliable loading data
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Elvis
Super Member
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Joined: Jul 27, 2008
Posts: 6743
Location: south island New Zealand

PostPosted: Sun Jun 28, 2015 1:28 am    Post subject: Re: A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN Reply with quote

#9 is right on the money.
and the U thing in #1 explain the spell check thing that confuses me.

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You shot it You pluck it !
Them who eats the most duck eats the most feathers!
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PaulS
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Joined: Feb 18, 2006
Posts: 3334
Location: South-Eastern Washington - the State

PostPosted: Sun Jun 28, 2015 6:29 am    Post subject: Re: A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN Reply with quote

Using the American dictionary spell check "color" shows the correct spelling but if you use the UK dictionary then "colour" shows as the correct spelling. I haven't used the Australian or South African dictionaries so I don't know which would show correct with those.

I happen to agree with #9 as well. Really good beer is universal.

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Paul
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Vince
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 12816
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Sun Jun 28, 2015 7:17 am    Post subject: Re: A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN Reply with quote

Firstly...God Save The Queen is the universal accolade paid to the Queen by all Commonwealth Nations, and has been for many generations.

Spelling and Language...a very weird and wonderful thing. Scratch Confused Laughing
It is my understanding that all Commonwealth Nations subscribe to the Oxford Language Dictionary which spells the examples above with a 'U'.
The Oxford Language Dictionary does not use phonetic spelling, ie NIGHT, instrad of NITE, CHEQUE (a bill of exchange drawn on a Bank) instead of CHECK etc.
Where the US dictionary substitutes 'Z' for an 'S' in many words ending in 'ise", ie subsidise instead of subsidize.
The word DOUGHNUT refers to a ring of 'DOUGH' deep fried...DONUT (to me) is DO...basically a verb ( dictionary.reference.com/browse/do for an explanation) ...and NUT as in cashew nut.

There are no bad beers, (with the possible exception of some of the Asian offerings)...some beers are simply better than others; it is all a matter of taste.

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)

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