Login or Register
HomeCommunity ForumsPhoto AlbumsRegister

User Info

Welcome Anonymous

Latest: oldernotwiser
New Today: 0
New Yesterday: 1
Overall: 12741

People Online:
Members: 0
Visitors: 168
BOT: 1
Total: 169
Who Is Where:
01: Forums
02: Forums
03: Forums
04: Forums
05: Photo Albums
06: Photo Albums
07: Forums
08: Forums
09: Forums
10: Home
11: Forums
12: Forums
13: Forums
14: Photo Albums
15: Forums
16: Forums
17: Forums
18: Home
19: Forums
20: Forums
21: Forums
22: Photo Albums
23: Forums
24: Forums
25: Home
26: Forums
27: Forums
28: Forums
29: Forums
30: Photo Albums
31: Home
32: Forums
33: Forums
34: Your Account
35: Forums
36: Forums
37: Forums
38: Forums
39: Forums
40: Forums
41: Forums
42: Photo Albums
43: Forums
44: Photo Albums
45: Forums
46: Forums
47: Photo Albums
48: Home
49: Photo Albums
50: Forums
51: Forums
52: Home
53: Home
54: Forums
55: Forums
56: Photo Albums
57: Home
58: Forums
59: Your Account
60: Photo Albums
61: Forums
62: Forums
63: Photo Albums
64: Forums
65: Photo Albums
66: Photo Albums
67: Forums
68: Home
69: Home
70: Forums
71: Forums
72: Forums
73: Forums
74: Forums
75: Photo Albums
76: Your Account
77: Forums
78: Forums
79: Forums
80: Forums
81: Forums
82: Forums
83: Forums
84: Forums
85: Forums
86: News
87: Forums
88: Your Account
89: Forums
90: Forums
91: Photo Albums
92: Photo Albums
93: Forums
94: Forums
95: Forums
96: Forums
97: Forums
98: Photo Albums
99: Photo Albums
100: Photo Albums
101: Photo Albums
102: Photo Albums
103: Photo Albums
104: Forums
105: Forums
106: Forums
107: Forums
108: Forums
109: Home
110: Forums
111: Forums
112: Forums
113: Forums
114: Home
115: Forums
116: Forums
117: Forums
118: Forums
119: Forums
120: Forums
121: Forums
122: Forums
123: Photo Albums
124: Forums
125: Forums
126: Home
127: Forums
128: Forums
129: Forums
130: Forums
131: Forums
132: Forums
133: Photo Albums
134: Photo Albums
135: Forums
136: Home
137: News
138: Forums
139: Forums
140: Forums
141: Home
142: Forums
143: Forums
144: Home
145: Forums
146: Forums
147: Forums
148: Photo Albums
149: Forums
150: Forums
151: Your Account
152: Forums
153: Photo Albums
154: Forums
155: Forums
156: Forums
157: Forums
158: Home
159: Forums
160: Photo Albums
161: Photo Albums
162: Your Account
163: Forums
164: Home
165: Photo Albums
166: Forums
167: Forums
168: Forums
01: Home

Staff Online:

No staff members are online!

Coppermine Stats
Photo Albums
 Albums: 305
 Pictures: 2378
  · Views: 572529
  · Votes: 1312
  · Comments: 86

Support our Advertisers

Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation (Priceless)
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
Post new topic   Reply to topic   Printer Friendly Page    Forum Index » Jokes & Humor

View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Super Member
Super Member

Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 14125
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2014 9:47 pm    Post subject: Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation (Priceless) Reply with quote

Dear Family,

I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being
in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might
consider being with me for my favourite holiday.

Dinner is at 4:00.

NOT 4:15
NOT 4:05.

Two X 2:00

Arrive late and you get what's left over.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those
contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This
year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the
secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at
someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the
stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two
wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another

Now, the house rules are slightly different. This year because I
have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice
things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the
environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem
to deal with.

House Rules:

1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The
television stays off during the meal.

2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 litre
bottles because your children still open a third can before
finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is
empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close
attention to refills.

3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other
way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad
comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door
with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never
been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles
more than you. Buy something from the bakery.

4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a
fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my
home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your
being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without
bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean
casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so
good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being
healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.

7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.

8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am
sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed
at me.

9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the
kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because
company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my

10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that
has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat
is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives
too. I can live with that. Can you?

11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't
need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And
if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I
said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.

12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a
battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and
it's true now that you have kids

13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas.

Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with
beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from
each family needs to be the designated driver. I really mean all
of the above.

Love You,


Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
Back to top
View user's profile AIM Address MSN Messenger Yahoo Messenger Photo Gallery
Super Member
Super Member

Joined: Nov 30, 2008
Posts: 1327
Location: Dixie

PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2014 3:35 am    Post subject: Re: Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation (Priceless) Reply with quote


You had better all start listening to your Grandma, because after you leave I have to listen to her for months about you and your kids and if you know your Grandma you know that is not pleasant.

So beware, if you can't follow her simple rules I am going to suggest to her that perhaps if she were to stay at each of your houses for a few weeks each she might be able to help you and help train your kids.

Frankly, I could use the break.

Love Grandpa

"A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where fifty-one percent of the people may take away the rights of the other forty-nine. "--Thomas Jefferson

The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. -- Thomas Jefferson

"Americans have the right and advantage of being armed - unlike the citizens of other countries whose governments are afraid to trust the people with arms."--James Madison

"The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." Thomas Jefferson.

NRA Life Member
Vietnam War Vet 68-69
Back to top
View user's profile Send e-mail Photo Gallery
Super Member
Super Member

Joined: May 26, 2011
Posts: 2519
Location: Ipswich, Queensland Australia

PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2014 1:16 pm    Post subject: Re: Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation (Priceless) Reply with quote

Both classic, well done.


Dont do anything you wont like explaining to the paramedics..............
Back to top
View user's profile
Super Member
Super Member

Joined: Jul 27, 2008
Posts: 7982
Location: south island New Zealand

PostPosted: Fri Oct 31, 2014 2:22 am    Post subject: Re: Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation (Priceless) Reply with quote

great stuff.

You shot it You pluck it !
Them who eats the most duck eats the most feathers!
Back to top
View user's profile
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic   Printer Friendly Page    Forum Index » Jokes & Humor
Page 1 of 1
All times are GMT - 7 Hours

Jump to:  

You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You cannot attach files in this forum
You cannot download files in this forum


Valid CSS! Valid HTML 4.01!
Click to check if this page is realy HTML 4.01 compliant for speed :)

All logos and trademarks in this site are property of
The comments are property of their posters, all the rest © 2011 by
Interactive software released under GNU GPL, Code Credits, Privacy Policy

.: Upgraded to DragonFly 9.2 by Dizfunkshunal :.