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Australia
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 12855
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2014 12:54 am    Post subject: Australia Reply with quote

JUST LOVE IT

AUSTRALIA and AUSTRALIANS

The following is by Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame.

"Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight", proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can't spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all.

But even the spiders won't go near the sea.. Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants -

A short history:
Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, and litigate (marks of a civilized culture they say), whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extended holiday' and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their
essense, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country"). The irritating thing about this is they may be right.

TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA

Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
Always carry a stick.
Air-conditioning is imperative.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.
Wear thick socks.
Take good maps.. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.
If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS

They waddle when they walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in their wallet or purse.
They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga", but "Woy Woy" can't be
called "Woy".
Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it's a must-have.
They don't think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.
They all carry a stick.

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)

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dhc4ever
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Joined: May 26, 2011
Posts: 2214
Location: Ipswich, Queensland Australia

PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2014 2:20 am    Post subject: Re: Australia Reply with quote

He was wrong about the snakes......
The rest is pretty well spot on.

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Pete

Dont do anything you wont like explaining to the paramedics..............
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Bushmaster
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10200
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2014 7:17 am    Post subject: Re: Australia Reply with quote

I got my stick...

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DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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Suzanne
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Joined: Jun 27, 2009
Posts: 3263
Location: Eugene, Oregon

PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2014 12:21 pm    Post subject: Re: Australia Reply with quote

I'm not settin my Woy Woy anywhere near a Wagga, specially if I haven't checked my boots.



Suz
thinks so

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May the sun keep you dancing,
And the stars shed light on your dreams.
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Aloysius
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Joined: Nov 03, 2009
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Location: B., Belgium

PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2014 1:08 pm    Post subject: Re: Australia Reply with quote

Maybe you better check your broomstick...

is that a motorized stick?
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gelandangan
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Location: Sydney Australia

PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2014 2:30 pm    Post subject: Re: Australia Reply with quote

LOL, wise advises there.

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lesterg3
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Joined: Nov 30, 2008
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Location: Dixie

PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2014 3:01 pm    Post subject: Re: Australia Reply with quote

Great and funny too.

What constitutes a stick versus a club?

_________________
"A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where fifty-one percent of the people may take away the rights of the other forty-nine. "--Thomas Jefferson

The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. -- Thomas Jefferson

"Americans have the right and advantage of being armed - unlike the citizens of other countries whose governments are afraid to trust the people with arms."--James Madison

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tikkat3
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2014 4:23 pm    Post subject: Re: Australia Reply with quote

Clubs are usually shorter which means you have to get closer if you want to use it. A stick can flick things away at a distance
I'd agree with dhc4ever, he has mixed up spiders and snakes
There is only one real nasty spider but there are a few varieties
As quoted by an ABC news reader "a girl has been bitten on the funnel by a finger web spider"
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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 12855
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2014 6:07 pm    Post subject: Re: Australia Reply with quote

Let's see...a stick is a boomerang that doesn't return. A nulla nulla (aboriginal club) is a lump of wood big enough and heavy enough to belt an antagonist over the bonce to show them the error of their ways.

I agree with Pete...he has spiders and snakes mixed up, although we ain't short if nasty spiders out here.

Tikal...shouldn't that be the red back spider found under the toilet seat, although I like you idea about the funnel web spider mate. Laughing

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)

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tikkat3
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2014 3:09 am    Post subject: Re: Australia Reply with quote

Nah Vince, a red back will only make you a bit crook and usually hangs around its web.
Funnel webs are nocturnal roamers and will stand their ground
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Vince
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2014 5:27 am    Post subject: Re: Australia Reply with quote

True enough mate...seen plenty of both. Killed about a dozen funnel webs in one day at my brother's place in Batemans Bay. Growing up in the western suburbs of Sydney, red backs were everywhere during summer...also white tails.

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Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)

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lesterg3
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2014 6:25 am    Post subject: Re: Australia Reply with quote

Are these spiders outside or inside? If inside has anybody tried those electronic repellers? I have two types ultrasonic inside, one at each end of the house and one other type (has something to do with running a signal through the wiring) under the house. No bugs, no mice, no rats. Worked for us.

_________________
"A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where fifty-one percent of the people may take away the rights of the other forty-nine. "--Thomas Jefferson

The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. -- Thomas Jefferson

"Americans have the right and advantage of being armed - unlike the citizens of other countries whose governments are afraid to trust the people with arms."--James Madison

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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
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Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2014 7:00 am    Post subject: Re: Australia Reply with quote

Lester wrote:
Are these spiders outside or inside?...

Both mate. Fortunately the Funnel Web prefers outside, but in inclement weather they will head indoors and take up home under clothes left on the floor or in shoes...this is rare though mate. As for the Red Back, they will live anywhere. During summer you will commonly find them on the underside of outdoor seats etc and they will also move into roof cavities. I've seen them drop down through light fittings on a strand of web.

The Funnel Web is very aggressive, and lethal, but the Red Back, although venomous is fairly placid. I think the Red Back is related to your Black Widow.

I personally haven't used the sonic or electronic repellers so they are an unknown quantity to me.

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)

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Suzanne
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Joined: Jun 27, 2009
Posts: 3263
Location: Eugene, Oregon

PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2014 5:20 pm    Post subject: Re: Australia Reply with quote

Aloysius this is for you;
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.




Said so
Suz

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May the sun keep you dancing,
And the stars shed light on your dreams.
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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 12855
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2014 7:38 pm    Post subject: Re: Australia Reply with quote

Surprised Surprised Aloys, quick mate...the path to the ladder is clear...but I'd run, real quick, Suz is picking a switch. Hiding Hiding

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)

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