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Self Defense? Showin's better than tellin'!
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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sniper
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Joined: Aug 18, 2005
Posts: 735
Location: Utah

PostPosted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 9:27 am    Post subject: Self Defense? Showin's better than tellin'! Reply with quote

Stun gun ....... ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole' thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
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Dimitri
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Joined: Nov 25, 2005
Posts: 5906
Location: Southern Ontario

PostPosted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 1:41 pm    Post subject: Re: Self Defense? Showin's better than tellin'! Reply with quote

Haha

Thats why you should test it on a willing buddy! Laughing

Dimitri

_________________
A thousand hills, but no birds in flight, ten thousand paths, with no people's tracks. A lonely boat, a straw-hatted old man, fishing alone in the cold river snow.
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515034s10ring
Super Member
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Joined: Sep 08, 2005
Posts: 1153
Location: Working my way back up and around

PostPosted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 3:00 pm    Post subject: Re: Self Defense? Showin's better than tellin'! Reply with quote

And i thought a defibrillator was bad Shocked

Laughing

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Why no......I'm really not an outdoorsmsn at all. But i did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night!
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1895ss
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Joined: Jul 21, 2005
Posts: 2613
Location: West of Here!!

PostPosted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 11:35 pm    Post subject: Re: Self Defense? Showin's better than tellin'! Reply with quote

Haha They must have been "AAA" Energizer batteries..... Very Happy

_________________
A cruel truth is much more desirable than a really nice lie.
'Tis far better to walk alone than to follow a crowd or an a**hole going the wrong way.
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Vince
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 12946
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Mon Mar 27, 2006 1:21 am    Post subject: Re: Self Defense? Showin's better than tellin'! Reply with quote

Sniper, I love it ROFL ROFL ROFL Haha Haha

Mate, I haven't had such a good laugh in I don't know how long. I gotta thank you for that.

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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Flint54
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Joined: Apr 09, 2005
Posts: 389
Location: North Carolina

PostPosted: Mon Mar 27, 2006 10:30 pm    Post subject: Re: Self Defense? Showin's better than tellin'! Reply with quote

ROFL Thought my wife was going to have to do CPR on me!!! ROFL It brought back memories of training years back, I had to go to a NOVA Training Class in order to carry one during boardings. Of course everyone had to get zapped, the only thing was that you never knew who or when it would happen. One of the main points during the class was the Instructor constantly telling everyone to not do it to themselves, but wouldn't you know it there has to be one dum@#$% in every class. During break he went to do himself and flopped around on the floor for @ 10 seconds before he unintentionally threw the NOVA across the room. All the instructor said was "I told You So!!! and walked away. ROFL
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Dimitri
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Joined: Nov 25, 2005
Posts: 5906
Location: Southern Ontario

PostPosted: Mon Mar 27, 2006 10:44 pm    Post subject: Re: Self Defense? Showin's better than tellin'! Reply with quote

Flint54 Haha

Dimitri

_________________
A thousand hills, but no birds in flight, ten thousand paths, with no people's tracks. A lonely boat, a straw-hatted old man, fishing alone in the cold river snow.
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