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Warning - sent by my 71 yr old mother
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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radar
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Oct 01, 2008
Posts: 1079
Location: North Island New Zealand

PostPosted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 2:05 am    Post subject: Warning - sent by my 71 yr old mother Reply with quote

Don't say I didn't warn you! I'll quietly retreat to the ladder….

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE :-)

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities..

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in Grade 9. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.....

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment. HOW GOOD IS THAT!

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe. EVEN BETTER

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F..... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time..'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiiit'.

_________________
People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.

George Orwell
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Vince
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 12817
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 4:04 am    Post subject: Re: Warning - sent by my 71 yr old mother Reply with quote

I'll make space up here on the top rung of the ladder Radar...plenty of room mate. Very Happy Laughing Laughing

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)

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Bushmaster
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10186
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 9:35 am    Post subject: Re: Warning - sent by my 71 yr old mother Reply with quote

Naw...That's way wrong. The difference between fairytale and a story is:

"Once upon a time" and"This is a no shiiiter"....Ask Vince. He tells a lot of them. The latter being the most prominent. Laughing

_________________
I have one nerve left and yer standin' on it...

DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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Elvis
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jul 27, 2008
Posts: 6745
Location: south island New Zealand

PostPosted: Mon Jan 13, 2014 12:04 am    Post subject: Re: Warning - sent by my 71 yr old mother Reply with quote

your ol blue drum sounds like a grouse ol dame!!!

_________________
You shot it You pluck it !
Them who eats the most duck eats the most feathers!
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Vince
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 12817
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Mon Jan 13, 2014 2:46 am    Post subject: Re: Warning - sent by my 71 yr old mother Reply with quote

Bushmaster wrote:
Naw...That's way wrong. The difference between fairytale and a story is:

"Once upon a time" and"This is a no shiiiter"....Ask Vince. He tells a lot of them. The latter being the most prominent. Laughing

Haha Haha Haha Haha Haha

Yup...that's me.

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)

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