By Pam Ayres of course..

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left t1t!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

So where's the video?

Suzanne wrote:

So where's the video?

Both classics

very very good she always has been a clever lass that Pam.

Vince, this started on the NZ Trade me website with everyone adding a bit I cut and pasted the whole lots sooooo here tis.


Fifty Shades of Grey Hair
The missus bought a Paperback down Dymocks, Saturday, 
I had a look in her bag; 
T’was “fifty shades of grey”. 

Well I just left her to it, 
At ten I went to bed. 
An hour later she appeared; 
The sight filled me with dread…..


In her left hand she held a rope; 
And in her right a whip! 
She threw them down on the floor, 
And then began to strip.


Well fifty years or so ago; 
I might have had a peek; 
But Doris hasn’t weathered well; 
She’s eighty four next week. 


Watching Doris bump and grind; 
Could not have been much grimmer. 
Things went from bad to worse; 
She toppled off her Zimmer!


She struggled up upon her feet; 
A couple minutes later; 
She put her teeth back in and… 
Said…. I must dominate her!! 


Now if you knew our Doris, 
You’d see just why I spluttered, 
I’d spent two months in traction 
For the last complaint I’d muttered.


She stood there nude, naked like; 
Bent forward just a bit …. 
I thought what the hell, 
Stepped forward, 
and stood on her left tit!Doris screamed, her teeth shot out; 
My god what had I done!? 
She moaned and groaned then shouted out: 
“Step on the other one”!! 


Well readers, I can’t tell no more; 
About what occurred that day. 
Suffice to say my jet black hair,…. 
Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.

But then I got to thinking 
Why should she have all the fun 
So I bought a pair of handcuffs 
Cause I'd heard they were the gun

They were pink and they were fluffy 
And I proudly took then home 
And I fixed them to the bedhead 
And I found a can of foam

And I found her favourite CD 
And I turned the lights down low 
And I closed the blinds and curtains 
And I said 'Let's have a go'

Now Doris get your arse in here 
And do what you are told 
But leave your woolly singlet on 
This room is bloody cold

See I'd spent the power bill money 
On a pack of wee blue pills 
But I figured that the heat we'd make 
Would chase away the chills

"Now Doris put your arms up here 
These cuffs I'm going to click 
Upon your wrists". She tried to 
But then said-"Hold on a tick-

Pass me my glucosamine- 
my joints will need some aid 
to hold my arms above my shoulders 
while I am getting laid"

Then I took her woolly stockings 
And I tied them round her ankles 
And that was somewhat tricky 
Cause she has trouble with her cankles

Now close your eyes please Doris 
I said so masterfully 
I tied a blindfold round her head 
And then unwrapped the pulley

And I fixed it to the centre light 
And strapped it round my middle 
And I kicked off from the bedside mat 
Then thought Damn I need to piddle

But do you think that I could reach 
The buckle? it had slipped! 
The more I tried to reach around 
The more I just turned and flipped.
"Oh damn,oh hell, oh bugger me" 
I struggled, puffed, and wheezed 
"That's what YOU'RE s'posed to do to me" 
Said Doris , not well pleased.

It didn't help that the wee blue pill 
Was getting into gear 
And as I dangled spinning 
I poked her in her ear

Now remember she's blindfolded 
And she cannot see a thing 
So she cannot see me hanging 
And she cannot see me swing

She yells 'Whatever are you doing" 
As above her I rotate 
"Get that cotton bud out of my ear" 
She is getting quite irate

"Horace, are you listening" 
She hollers, but poor me, 
I am getting rather dizzy 
And still dying for a pee.

And then I heard a dreaded sound 
Wheels and footsteps down the hall 
'Twas the afternoon tea trolley 
And I heard the dreaded call
"Milk and sugar in your tea,Dear?" 
There's the sound of fluid splashing 
My tortured bladder just gives way 
And Doris gets a lashing

Well- she thought they'd spilt her tea on her 
And no one ever told 
That the soaking that she suffered was in fact 
A shower of gold

And as for me, they cut me down 
And sent me on my way 
And you wonder why my head is now 
50 shades of grey

Radar,
I am now scarred for life, some mental images are never forgotten.
I nearly lost it at Woolley jumper....................

That is pure gold Radar...or grey...whichever way you look at it mate.

OMFG!On a sunday morn to boot!I'm gonna have to go get some religion now to clear that from my head!!!!!!!

TRBLSHTR wrote:

:lol: OMFG!On a sunday morn to boot!I'm gonna have to go get some religion now to clear that from my head!!!!!!!