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Retirement Strategy
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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MacD
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Apr 08, 2011
Posts: 1052
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Wed Aug 15, 2012 6:42 am    Post subject: Retirement Strategy Reply with quote

RETIRED HUSBAND


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.




If you don't send this to your dearest friends, you will be depriving them of some good humor.

_________________
La a'Blair s'math n Cairdean
(Friends are good on the day of battle)
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wiersy111
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: May 13, 2009
Posts: 2347
Location: Central Minnesota

PostPosted: Wed Aug 15, 2012 7:14 am    Post subject: Re: Retirement Strategy Reply with quote

Cool there's a few new ones that I haven't tried! Now I can't wait for Mama Wiersy to make me go shopping again.

_________________
A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America " for an amount of "up to and including my life."

US ARMY RETIRED

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

Being "Over the Hill" is much better then being under it!
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stovepipe
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Sep 25, 2008
Posts: 4791
Location: Pine, Az.

PostPosted: Wed Aug 15, 2012 9:12 am    Post subject: Re: Retirement Strategy Reply with quote

12 and 15 buwahahahaha!
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Elvis
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Jul 27, 2008
Posts: 6932
Location: south island New Zealand

PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2012 12:39 am    Post subject: Re: Retirement Strategy Reply with quote

I feel a shopping trip coming on soon...

_________________
You shot it You pluck it !
Them who eats the most duck eats the most feathers!
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RePete
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Aug 15, 2005
Posts: 766

PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2012 5:47 am    Post subject: Re: Retirement Strategy Reply with quote

#3 & #15 are my favs.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

_________________
Proud member of the WTFDTSG Club.

Stercus Accidit = Sh*t Happens in Latin.

Nice try = You Suck spelled different.
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MacD
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Apr 08, 2011
Posts: 1052
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2012 4:36 pm    Post subject: Re: Retirement Strategy Reply with quote

Well today is my first day of retirement and i drank 2 bottles of wine last night and the DW didn't even mention shopping.

_________________
La a'Blair s'math n Cairdean
(Friends are good on the day of battle)
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stovepipe
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Sep 25, 2008
Posts: 4791
Location: Pine, Az.

PostPosted: Fri Aug 17, 2012 6:50 am    Post subject: Re: Retirement Strategy Reply with quote

Woohoo! Ugh, shopping with a wine hangover....yikes!
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Tremblay
Super Member
Super Member


Joined: Oct 08, 2007
Posts: 1539
Location: Malta, Montana

PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2012 11:44 pm    Post subject: Re: Retirement Strategy Reply with quote

OH BOY am I going to have fun now

_________________
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. - Mark Twain
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