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Favourate Humerous Quotes
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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MacD
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Joined: Apr 08, 2011
Posts: 1052
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 7:10 am    Post subject: Favourate Humerous Quotes Reply with quote

Okay. I know from everyone's signatures that we all have our favourate quotes. I thought it might be a laugh to have people submit their humourous ones. Here are a few of mine:

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain, a Biography

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
- Milton Berle

If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?
- John Cleese

Now that the House of Commons is trying to become useful, it does a great deal of harm.
- Oscar Wilde

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La a'Blair s'math n Cairdean
(Friends are good on the day of battle)
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pete4d
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Joined: Nov 27, 2011
Posts: 364
Location: Dixie , Alabama , & Louisiana

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 7:18 am    Post subject: Re: Favourate Humerous Quotes Reply with quote

The reason for divorce, "I may go to hell but I'm not gonna live in it."

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"march to the sound of the guns and shoot everyone not dressed like you"--D I 1968

When the SHTF I'm gonna hunker down until all those idiots kill each other.

I'm on the watch list are you ?
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Bushmaster
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Joined: Jun 12, 2005
Posts: 10248
Location: Ava, Missouri

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 7:22 am    Post subject: Re: Favourate Humerous Quotes Reply with quote

"When you're up to your a$$ in alligators it's hard to remember your main objective was to drain the swamp".

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DEMOCRACY Two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for lunch...
LIBERTY A well armed sheep contesting the outcome of the vote...
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Aloysius
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Location: B., Belgium

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 8:58 am    Post subject: Re: Favourate Humerous Quotes Reply with quote

"La vie est un lac de merde et nous le traversons la bouche ouverte"

no need for a translation Smile
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MacD
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Location: Canada

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 10:35 am    Post subject: Re: Favourate Humerous Quotes Reply with quote

Okay to make the translation family friendly. Think a lake being representative of life. Now fill that lake with intestinal waste. Now swim that lake with your mouth open. Aloy you need to visit Vince and get plastered. Much better taste Very Happy

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La a'Blair s'math n Cairdean
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pete4d
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Joined: Nov 27, 2011
Posts: 364
Location: Dixie , Alabama , & Louisiana

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 12:31 pm    Post subject: Re: Favourate Humerous Quotes Reply with quote

Aloysius wrote:
"La vie est un lac de merde et nous le traversons la bouche ouverte"

no need for a translation Smile

Cheers Life is better if ya wash it down with beer Cheers

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"march to the sound of the guns and shoot everyone not dressed like you"--D I 1968

When the SHTF I'm gonna hunker down until all those idiots kill each other.

I'm on the watch list are you ?
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dhc4ever
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Joined: May 26, 2011
Posts: 2236
Location: Ipswich, Queensland Australia

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 3:08 pm    Post subject: Re: Favourate Humerous Quotes Reply with quote

And I thought Australians had a way with words.
Now wheres that filter......

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Dont do anything you wont like explaining to the paramedics..............
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eeyouelder
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Joined: Jan 26, 2005
Posts: 120
Location: Quebec

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 3:43 pm    Post subject: Re: Favourate Humerous Quotes Reply with quote

La vie est un lac de merde et nous le traversons la bouche ouverte"

Life is a lake of St*t and we are crossing it with an open mouth
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gelandangan
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Joined: May 07, 2006
Posts: 5693
Location: Sydney Australia

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 4:20 pm    Post subject: Re: Favourate Humerous Quotes Reply with quote

Gee I rather not knowing the translation.

Ignorance is bliss..

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A smile is the shortest distance between two people.

The government I trust .. is my .45-70 Government.

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gelandangan.weebly.com/
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eeyouelder
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Joined: Jan 26, 2005
Posts: 120
Location: Quebec

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 5:06 pm    Post subject: Re: Favourate Humerous Quotes Reply with quote

Homo homini lupus est


Man is a wolf for men.


Meaning that man is man's worst enemy


Last edited by eeyouelder on Thu Jul 26, 2012 6:33 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Suzanne
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Joined: Jun 27, 2009
Posts: 3263
Location: Eugene, Oregon

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 5:39 pm    Post subject: Re: Favourate Humerous Quotes Reply with quote

I'm with you Geland, it looked so peotic...oh well...

Smohalla, founder of the dreamer religion, was born about 1815 and belonged to the Sokulk, a small tribe of Nez Perce Indians, centering about Priest Rapids on the Columbia River in eastern Washington. Smohalla distinguished himself as a warrior and began to preach about 1850. He consistently rejected the white man's civilization and its teachings. The dreamer religion was a return to native concepts, particularly those of the benign Earthmother, with dreams being the sole source of supernatural power. Some details of the religion are revieled in the following statement. Some of the most devoted "dreamers" were Chief Joseph and his Nez Perces.

My young men shall never work. Men who work cannot dream; and wisdom comes to us in dreams.
You ask me to plow the ground. Shall I take a knife and tear my mother's breast? Then when I die she will not take me to her bosom to rest.
You ask me to dig for stone. Shall I dig under her skin for her bones? Then when I die I cannot enter her body to be born again.
You ask me to cut grass and make hay and sell it and be rich like white men. But how dare I cut off my mother's hair?

Suz
I love
that one

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May the sun keep you dancing,
And the stars shed light on your dreams.
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Ominivision1
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Joined: Sep 20, 2010
Posts: 2985
Location: Iowa

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 6:38 pm    Post subject: Re: Favourate Humerous Quotes Reply with quote

Mother's Day is when the kids say she's the greatest cook in the
whole world and then make her a dinner that proves it!

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

A lecturer asked her audience, "Who is wiser than Ann Landers,
more controversial than Geraldo Rivera, wittier than Robin
Williams and handsomer than Mel Gibson?"
From the audience came a forlorn voice: "My wife's first
husband!"

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them.

Any kid will run an errand for you, if you ask him at bedtime. Very Happy

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Regards

Limitations are but boundaries created inside our minds.
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PaulS
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Joined: Feb 18, 2006
Posts: 3376
Location: South-Eastern Washington - the State

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 7:16 pm    Post subject: Re: Favourate Humerous Quotes Reply with quote

well, it wasn't intended to be humorous but one of the Ceasars said:
"Kill them all and let the gods sort them out."
(not necessarily an exact translation, but close)

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Paul
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gelandangan
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Joined: May 07, 2006
Posts: 5693
Location: Sydney Australia

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 7:34 pm    Post subject: Re: Favourate Humerous Quotes Reply with quote

Those who says that something could not be done,
should stop bothering those who are doing it.
Nikola Tesla.

Not funny but pretty much my guide in life.

_________________
A straight line is the shortest distance between two points.
A smile is the shortest distance between two people.

The government I trust .. is my .45-70 Government.

Do - Not try!


gelandangan.weebly.com/
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Suzanne
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Joined: Jun 27, 2009
Posts: 3263
Location: Eugene, Oregon

PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 7:39 pm    Post subject: Re: Favourate Humerous Quotes Reply with quote

Mine wasn't funny....I got carried away. Ok starting over with;

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. Henny Youngman

We live in an age when pizza will arrive before the police. Jeff Marder

Never go to bed mad, stay up and plot your revenge.

If you're talking behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my A$$

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
- Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

You can observe a lot by just watching.
- Yogi Berra

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
- Yogi Berra

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
- Dan Quayle

I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.
- George Carlin

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May the sun keep you dancing,
And the stars shed light on your dreams.
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