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If you have ever used an electric fence
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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Vince
Super Member
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 13639
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2012 10:03 pm    Post subject: If you have ever used an electric fence Reply with quote

If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Elders had, made for 26 kilometers of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works..

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my 6 hp rotary mower. The wire had broken and was laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger/control unit. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM Shocked BAM Shocked BAM Shocked you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the damp soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of March,104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire..

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think. Yuck

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs great now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nads are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long. wtf Shocked Shocked Shocked

8 - I can turn on the TV in the games room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this!!!). Fart Confused wtf

That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.


This is a true story...........well mostly true. egsaduration

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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gelandangan
Super Member
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Joined: May 07, 2006
Posts: 5871
Location: Sydney Australia

PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2012 11:15 pm    Post subject: Re: If you have ever used an electric fence Reply with quote

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

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A straight line is the shortest distance between two points.
A smile is the shortest distance between two people.

The government I trust .. is my .45-70 Government.

Do - Not try!


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Elvis
Super Member
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Joined: Jul 27, 2008
Posts: 7545
Location: south island New Zealand

PostPosted: Wed May 02, 2012 1:20 am    Post subject: Re: If you have ever used an electric fence Reply with quote

and the humble electric fence was invented/perfected by none other than a kiwi!!!
now dont go pee pee on one either!!!!

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You shot it You pluck it !
Them who eats the most duck eats the most feathers!
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Tremblay
Super Member
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Joined: Oct 08, 2007
Posts: 1833
Location: Malta, Montana

PostPosted: Wed May 02, 2012 11:57 am    Post subject: Re: If you have ever used an electric fence Reply with quote

Tea all over computer csreen table and me. The funniest I've seen in a long time

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Never argue with a stupid person ,cause they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. Mark Twwain
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dhc4ever
Super Member
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Joined: May 26, 2011
Posts: 2360
Location: Ipswich, Queensland Australia

PostPosted: Wed May 02, 2012 12:58 pm    Post subject: Re: If you have ever used an electric fence Reply with quote

"Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. "

And that my friends is why I sprayed coffee over the wifes lap top.
You are an evil man Vince.............

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Dont do anything you wont like explaining to the paramedics..............
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Vince
Super Member
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Joined: May 25, 2005
Posts: 13639
Location: Brisbane AUSTRALIA

PostPosted: Wed May 02, 2012 8:57 pm    Post subject: Re: If you have ever used an electric fence Reply with quote

Trembles wrote:
Tea all over computer csreen table and me. The funniest I've seen in a long time.


dhc4ever wrote:
"Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. "

And that my friends is why I sprayed coffee over the wifes lap top.
You are an evil man Vince.............

WOO HOO...I'm baaaacccckkk. Haha Haha Haha Haha Nuts Cheers

Cheers, Vince

_________________
Cheers, Vince Cheers

Illegitimi non carborundum
(Never let the bastards grind you down)

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

"Nulla Si Fa Senza Volonta."
(Without Commitment, Nothing Gets Done)
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Ominivision1
Super Member
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Joined: Sep 20, 2010
Posts: 2984
Location: Iowa

PostPosted: Wed May 02, 2012 10:09 pm    Post subject: Re: If you have ever used an electric fence Reply with quote

I remember way back when I was 6 or 7 years old at my cousins place who had 4 horses at the time and me and my little cousin would always brush the horses down. Anyway my little cousin notice sparks when grass around the electric fence wire came in contact with the electric fence wire!

Now being curious my little cousin peed on the grass blades that were sparking and back then I never understood why he screamed and ran back to the house and tell his Dad.

We both laugh at his misfortune to this day. Very Happy

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Limitations are but boundaries created inside our minds.
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