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Converting a Bear
Jokes, funny stories and general humor
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English Mike
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2012 4:23 pm    Post subject: Converting a Bear Reply with quote

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi would get together twice a week for coffee to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first.

"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb.

The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an I.V. drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed:



"WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at Rabbi Goldberg, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with I.V.'s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.
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pete4d
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2012 7:02 pm    Post subject: Re: Converting a Bear Reply with quote

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.

Sounds as-though the good Rabbi came up a little bit short Laughing

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Vince
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 03, 2012 12:48 am    Post subject: Re: Converting a Bear Reply with quote

Damn...coffee through the nose and all over the keyboard....BUGGER.

Thanks Mike. Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Cheers Cheers

Cheers, Vince

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Ominivision1
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 03, 2012 3:00 am    Post subject: Re: Converting a Bear Reply with quote

Haha Haha Haha Haha

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lesterg3
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 03, 2012 3:34 am    Post subject: Re: Converting a Bear Reply with quote

Outstanding The Wave

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"A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where fifty-one percent of the people may take away the rights of the other forty-nine. "--Thomas Jefferson

The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. -- Thomas Jefferson

"Americans have the right and advantage of being armed - unlike the citizens of other countries whose governments are afraid to trust the people with arms."--James Madison

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PaulS
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 03, 2012 7:25 pm    Post subject: Re: Converting a Bear Reply with quote

Lester,
What do you suppose Jefferson and Madison would do if they witnessed our current political establishment?

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lesterg3
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 04, 2012 4:07 am    Post subject: Re: Converting a Bear Reply with quote

Paul that is quite a question. I always try not to interpret what people have said or what occurred, but diligently research the event or what an individual actually said. As in the case of Jefferson, many today (mostly atheists and the ultra-liberal) try to convince our young that Jefferson was an atheist. Why, mostly because of one quote made by him that is both taken out of context and is further used without an understanding of the ecclesiastical and governmental collusion of corruption he and the other founding fathers were vehemently opposed to. That quote is “question even the existence of God”, but below I allow his own words to describe what he said.

In my humble opinion were our founding fathers miraculously resurrected today they would shudder with wonder and cry tears of rage at what has become of the great country they attempted to create. They would plainly see an out of control and corrupt government; they would see a country that has eschewed God and his truth in favor of debauchery, killing its babies, seeking not the truth but only what comforts them, that educates it’s young with lies and deceit. Basically a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah. And, when their shock wore off they would march collectively to the nearest Wal-Mart and empty the shelves of every weapon, search the country for people who believe in truth and faith, who understand the simple integrity and genius of the original Bill of Rights and Constitution, end put an end to today’s tyranny and burn and salt the ground that Washington DC stands upon.

But, then that’s just a guess, I’ll let them speak for themselves. Like the Prophets of the Bible it amazes me that what they said is as applicable today as it was then. Were our Founding Fathers indeed Prophets?

Thomas Jefferson
And can the liberties of a nation be thought secure when we have removed their only firm basis, a conviction in the minds of the people that these liberties are the gift of God? That they are not to be violated but with his wrath? Indeed I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just: that his justice cannot sleep forever.

I have sworn upon the altar of god, eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man.

I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.

The beauty of the Second Amendment is that it will not be needed until they try to take it.


Madison
I believe there are more instances of the abridgement of freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments by those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations.

It is a universal truth that the loss of liberty at home is to be charged to the provisions against danger, real or pretended, from abroad.

It will be of little avail to the people that the laws are made by men of their own choice if the laws be so voluminous that they cannot be read, or so incoherent that they cannot be understood.

To suppose that any form of government will secure liberty or happiness without any virtue in the people is a chimerical (improbable) idea.

If men were angels, no government would be necessary. If angels were to govern men, neither external nor internal controls on government would be necessary. In framing a government which is to be administered by men over men, the great difficulty lies in this: you must first enable the government to control the governed; and in the next place oblige it to control itself.

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"A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where fifty-one percent of the people may take away the rights of the other forty-nine. "--Thomas Jefferson

The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. -- Thomas Jefferson

"Americans have the right and advantage of being armed - unlike the citizens of other countries whose governments are afraid to trust the people with arms."--James Madison

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PaulS
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 04, 2012 10:17 pm    Post subject: Re: Converting a Bear Reply with quote

I share your thougts on the wisdom of our founding fathers.
I share the idea of finding all who would fight to recover the constitution.
I would hope that there would be enough of us to vote the constitution back into power.
I find the the anti-federalists were right and the federalists were wrong.
The checks and ballances put in place to govern the governing have been ursurpped by those men who are supposed to keep our rights in place.
If a civil war happens - I will be on the side of the constitution and those who would protect it.
I will likely die but I will not die alone and I will not die a slave to a corrupt government.

Our government is afraid of an armed population but they are still more affraid of an attempt to disarm us.
I, for one, am standing guard and standing ready.
Long live the Constitution of the United States.

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MacD
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 05, 2012 9:07 am    Post subject: Re: Converting a Bear Reply with quote

Freedom is lost by inches, always with a "good reason" pronounced over and over until the population clamors for action to do something about the problem. Lester , good quotes.

“The secret of happiness is freedom. The secret of freedom is courage.”
Thucydides (460-404 BC)

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Elvis
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 05, 2012 1:42 pm    Post subject: Re: Converting a Bear Reply with quote

the consept/idea of a civil war to get back to what is right may sound feasible but I believe it is no longer possible. big brother has very long arms and VERY good eyes n ears, ANY attempt to organize an undertaking of this manner would be seen as a terrorist uprising and get squashed. the only way it could be feasible is to have it supported from the very top which is kind of ironic.the general public are soo far removed from what goes on and are mostly sheep(no carnal jokes please) eg they blindly follow. way back when the good ol USA had your civil war the general population where not dependant on a welfare state, didnt have the great brainwasher sitting in every room of the house(TV) and the net and cell phones where hardly even dreampt of.
Dont get me wrong Im not knocking your willingness to stand up and be counted, I just suggest you be cautious so you dont end up in a pile of doo doo.

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Vince
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 05, 2012 9:57 pm    Post subject: Re: Converting a Bear Reply with quote

Sage words Elvis...very sage indeed mate.

Cheers, Vince

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lesterg3
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 06, 2012 3:14 am    Post subject: Re: Converting a Bear Reply with quote

Yes Elvis you are correct in your analysis, but I am not sure anybody will have to do anything. I think it is becoming obvious that, at least the U S, government has dug its own grave. The lies, corruption, fiscal mismanagement and greed are so obvious that if it wasn’t so sad would be comical. Jesus said it best, a house divided cannot stand. Governments are insidious and their thirst for control over those they govern is unquenchable, here it has only taken 235 years for Obama to decide that it is OK for a President to permanently imprison any citizen he does not like.

Perhaps the real question is, who will be there to pick up the pieces when it implodes, who will be there to assure our Bill of Rights and Constitution endure?

But, I am old and tired and far, far wiser men than I have commented on revolution and the tyranny of governments.

…and you yourselves will become his slaves. When that day comes, you will cry out for relief from the king (government) you have chosen, but the LORD will not answer you in that day. 1 Samuel

But what do we mean by the American Revolution? Do we mean the American war? The Revolution was effected before the war commenced. The Revolution was in the minds and hearts of the people; a change in their religious sentiments, of their duties and obligations...This radical change in the principles, opinions, sentiments, and affections of the people was the real American Revolution. John Adams

They tell us Sir, that we are weak -- unable to cope with so formidable an adversary. But when shall we be stronger? Will it be the next week, or the next year? Will it be when we are totally disarmed, and when a British guard shall be stationed in every house? Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs, and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot? Sir, we are not weak, if we make a proper use of those means which the God of nature has placed in our power. Patrick Henry

There are times when you have to obey a call which is the highest of all, i.e. the voice of conscience even though such obedience may cost many a bitter tear, and even more, separation from friends, from family, from the state to which you may belong, from all that you have held as dear as life itself. For this obedience is the law of our being. Ghandi

Cowardice asks the question - is it safe? Expediency asks the question - is it politic? Vanity asks the question - is it popular? But conscience asks the question - is it right? And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular; but one must take it because it is right. Martin Luther King, Jr.

If, for my child and yours, my life is the price of preserving one liberty or marking the cheek of tyranny for one moment then the price is not too dear.

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"A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where fifty-one percent of the people may take away the rights of the other forty-nine. "--Thomas Jefferson

The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. -- Thomas Jefferson

"Americans have the right and advantage of being armed - unlike the citizens of other countries whose governments are afraid to trust the people with arms."--James Madison

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Aloysius
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 06, 2012 4:15 am    Post subject: Re: Converting a Bear Reply with quote

Lesterg, I'd like to quote you on another forum. We are facing here another attack at our rights because they are changing our laws about weapons again. A lot of people will again loose a lot of money with this new approach, because here they just take away and never speak about paying for the losses.
When this happened in the U.K., I couldn't believe people didn't react. Now I see the same things happen here and people are also afraid to act.
When politicians are all against weapons, who do you vote for?
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lesterg3
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 06, 2012 6:15 am    Post subject: Re: Converting a Bear Reply with quote

Aloysius

You may do whatever you like, but most of my submissions have been the words of man far more intelligent than I.

If however you are truly interested in how ridiculous firearm bans are:

"London's Evening Standard reported that armed crime, with banned handguns the weapon of choice, was "rocketing." In the two years following the 1997 handgun ban, the use of handguns in crime rose by 40 percent, and the upward trend has continued. From April to November 2001, the number of people robbed at gunpoint in London rose 53 percent."

reason.com/archives/20...singlepage

And, then look to Switzerland.

Good luck, and keep us or at least me informed.

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The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. -- Thomas Jefferson

"Americans have the right and advantage of being armed - unlike the citizens of other countries whose governments are afraid to trust the people with arms."--James Madison

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Eremius
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 06, 2012 6:27 am    Post subject: Re: Converting a Bear Reply with quote

lesterg3 wrote:
here it has only taken 235 years for Obama to decide that it is OK for a President to permanently imprison any citizen he does not like.

Uhh, to be fair, this was started by Dubya. I will concede that Obama hasn't done anything to reverse the situation.
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